All Roads Lead Me Here
by anewwaytobreathe
Summary: Jackson needs to let go of April, even though he's still in love with her. He believes she's happy with Matt, so when one of Mark Sloan's old colleagues offers him a job in New York, he figures he can give April space. But space is not what she wants. They try to make a go of being friends before he leaves, but some people are simply meant to be together.
1. Chapter 1

All Roads Lead Me Here

Chapter 1:

Jackson Avery strode confidently down the halls of the newly named Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. He had just finished his second surgery of the day, after having spent the last week focusing on legal forms that made his head spin. Even after finishing it all, he still had many surgeons and other doctors constantly needing documents signed, trials approved, and other projects funded. It had taken a toll on the other members of the newly appointed board, but specifically on him. As much as Jackson insisted that he didn't, or wouldn't, directly represent the Harper Avery Foundation, the staff knew that that wasn't entirely the case. He saw himself as an equal to Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Callie and Arizona, but everyone knew he technically had say over them. But today, those were not his worries; he was a surgeon first.

His phone buzzed just as he reached the third floor nurses' station. He looked down, confused at the familiar caller ID. "Dr. John Greenway," it read. He squinted, trying to recall where he knew the name from.

"Hello? Dr. Avery speaking."

"Dr. Avery!" Jackson jumped at the loud voice on the other end of the phone. "My name's Dr. John Greenway. I'm a plastic surgeon at New York Presbyterien. Surely you've heard of me, before?"

"Uh, I think so…" Jackson didn't what else to say. He was still trying to place the name. He knew it from somewhere. The guy, Greenway, sounded pretty arrogant.

"You'll remember soon enough. Do you have a minute?" Jackson scanned the room. He had been planning to meet Stephanie in the on call room next to the nurses' station, but she was in the middle of filling out a huge pile of charts, so he figured he had time.

"Yeah, sure. What can I do for you?" He could hear the shouts and loud beeping noises on a busy hospital in the background of Dr. Greenway's phone.

"Well, like I said, I'm the head of plastic surgery at New York Presbyterien, and I'm starting a huge clinical trial on contracture surgery for burn victims. It's an incredibly advanced and high tech type of contracture surgery, and it would improve the lives of millions." He went on to explain exactly what the procedure would be, what the trial was like, and the time commitment of about two years. "I'm looking for newly emerging plastic surgeons to head the trial, and I want you for the job." Jackson was about to interrupt, explain that he was now an owner of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, and there would be no way he could help run it from New York, but before he could, Dr. Greenway added something else. "I heard Mark Sloan was your mentor. I was his mentor for years, even after his residency. He wouldn't have been Mark Sloan without me." _Dammit. _Jackson sighed. _That's where I've heard the name, _he thought.

"Yeah. He was my mentor." His tone was hesitant, he didn't know what Greenway would use the information for, and he sounded so much like Sloan.

"Well, I'm very sorry to hear about his death. He was a great surgeon and a good friend." Thoughts were whirling around Jackson's head. John Greenway. Mark had talked about him all the time. Greenway had been the reason that Mark had decided on plastics. He had been his mentor, even when Sloan was still a med student at Columbia. Sloan had worked under him for his entire residency and fellowship, even for a few years when he became an attending. He had always joked about how he should call Greenway up, get a chance to work with him again, give him a run for his money. _"Let's face it, nobody is better than me anymore,"_ Sloan had said, _"but without him, Avery, neither you or I would be standing here."_ Jackson remembered now that his mentor's mentor had pioneered many successful surgeries and headed many important trials already.

"Dr. Avery?" Jackson snapped back to attention, glancing over at Stephanie, who was still concentrating on charting. She looked up at him and smiled. He tried to smile back, but it was more of a grimace, since he already knew what Sloan would want him to do.

"Yes, I'm very flattered, sir, that you've asked me to help with the trial, but I'm now running Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, so I wouldn't have time to-"

"No, but think of what Sloan would've wants you to do. He would've kicked your sorry ass if you didn't agree to work on this trial. You know as well as I do, Avery, how innovative this all is. How far it would advance the world of plastic surgery. If Sloan was still alive, he would be here with me now, working on it, and dragging you by the ear as well. He would want me as your colleague. I'm the only person he'd want to teach you, besides himself. We both know he talking about me." _It was amazing how much John Greenway sounded like Mark. So this is who he got it from,_ thought Jackson.

"This sounds like an amazing opportunity, Dr. Greenway, but-"

"Dr. Avery, you wouldn't just be another doctor on the trial, you would be leading it alongside me." Jackson was shocked. He had to admit, he already liked the idea of the trial, but this changed things a bit. He already knew that working under Greenway would make him a more competent surgeon and advance his career, and it wasn't as if he had any other options without Sloan. Greenway was the next best thing; Sloan would've wanted him to work with him. Plus, the trial sounded like an incredible opportunity, and he would be heading it. There was also the fact that this had nothing to do with the Harper Avery Foundation or his family. As much as he'd stepped up when they had bought the hospital, he still couldn't stop thinking about how his ownership was all because of them. He was working under their legacy, which was something he'd spent his whole life trying to avoid. Working with John Greenway in New York would allow him to possibly create his own. Plus, it would only be for about two years. He could still help run Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital from New York, and the others would take over the majority of his responsibilities.

"I'll think about it. Thanks for the offer." Jackson knew he needed a bit of time before he said yes, there was another reason that he didn't want to be away from Seattle for two whole years.

"Excellent! That's what I like to hear. I'll fax over the info to Seattle. Looking forward to working with you, Dr. Avery." Well. Greenway had already planned for him to join it.

"Well, it's not a done deal, there are a lot of contributing factors-" Jackson attempted to protest.

"Talk to you soon, Avery." The noises of the hospital went dead and Jackson's phone started to buzz. Jackson sighed. Another major decision he needed to make. Albeit a good one, but he did have a good fellowship here in Seattle and he owned a hospital. There was also another reason.

"Sorry! Hey, Jackson." April accidentally bumped into his shoulder as she rushed past, her pager beeping loudly. She looked back at him, her red curls swinging around as she smiled back at him timidly. Jackson stared at her. She frowned slightly, looking weirded out, then continued down the hallway and into a patient's room. He blinked out of his trance, looking down the hallway, and stared at the door of the room she had gone into.

"Hey," he breathed, after she had entered the room. April was the other reason he wanted to stay.

"Yeah, hi. What's up?" He glanced down, surprised. Stephanie was standing in front of him, looking over to where he had been staring suspiciously.

"Um, nothing much. I have, uh, surgery in half an hour." He gave her a small smile, tearing his eyes fully away from the door frame down the hall.

"Great, then you have time for a quick consult in the on-call room overthere." Stephanie tipped her head and slid her hands down Jackson's arms. She was practically purring.

"Yeah, I, uh, actually already have a consult with Yang." Stephanie looked disappointed. Her hands dropped to her sides.

"Like, a real consult. Not like a – anyways, I'm sorry. See you later?" He tried to smile down at her.

"Yeah, yeah. I guess so. " She smiled back hopefully. Jackson felt like an asshole. "I've got tons of charting to still get through anyways, and an oophorectomy to prep for."

He knew that she knew who he had been staring at. He shook his head slightly as he went to find Yang for a consult that didn't even exist. At least, he hoped, Stephanie hadn't picked up on that.

Jackson walked out of the scrub room, all his worries returning to him. His surgery earlier had gone well, and all thoughts had escaped him except the ones of a successful surgeon. He'd gotten paged to the OR to treat some burn victims of an office fire, which resulted in three successful skin grafts and, hopefully, happy patients. The rush of adrenaline that had been coursing through him since the start of his first surgery of the afternoon was starting to wear off. All he could think of was the new trial and Dr. Greenway, and most of all, April.

He tried so hard to push her to the back of his mind, all thoughts of him and her as more than friends away, but it didn't work. He was constantly thinking about her, though, which wasn't fair to her or to Stephanie. April had finally moved on, and as much as he hated that, he wanted her to be happy. They'd been through a lot together, watching their two best friends die, how he'd tried to protect her from the words of their other friends; she had been his best friend. Then, all of a sudden, they were hopping in bed together. It wasn't until after he had broken up with her that he fully realized he loved her. He just woke up one morning a week later and – there she was, he couldn't get her out of his head. But she was now the happiest he had ever seen her, so as her best friend, he needed to let her have that. He also felt bad about how he'd treated Stephanie. She was nice and a great doctor, not to mention good in bed. She would one day make a kick ass surgeon. But he could tell she was looking for more of a relationship and he just couldn't give her that. It wasn't fair, especially when he was in love with somebody else, and that was all he could think of when they were having sex. He knew he had to act on how bad he felt.

Jackson sent Stephanie a text message, asking, _meet me in front of the hospital at 8 tonight? _

She texted back quickly. _Sure. _

Jackson spent the next 20 minutes in the board room, signing papers that were approving Bailey's genome mapping project, thinking about what he was going to say.

He took a deep breath as he walked out of the hospital's main entrance in his street clothes. He had no idea how Stephanie was going to react.

She was sitting on a bench directly outside the doors. The sky was dark and overcast; it would be raining any minute. Jackson walked up to her.

"Hey." She smiled and started to stand up.

"Actually, it's probably better if we just sit." Her face fell. She looked apprehensive.

"Okay…" Her voice was a little shaky. He had a feeling she knew what was coming. Jackson swallowed and took a seat beside her. He could hear the rush and loud honks of week day evening Seattle traffic.

"I think its, uh, best if we stop seeing each other," he said softly, looking at his knees. "I just have a lot going on and I have this new trial thing coming up and I'm running a hospital and it's, well, it's not fair to you." He glanced over at Stephanie. She looked upset, her eyes were shining with tears, but she didn't look very surprised.

"Okay." Her voice shook, and he could now tell her tears were angry ones.

"I'm sorry." Jackson swallowed again. "Are you going to be okay?" He was concerned, more because he felt guilty for seemingly using her to try to get over April, he may as well admit that to himself.

"Probably. Yeah, I'll be fine. Just – whatever. Just go." She looked away from him and down at her lap. He stood up awkwardly, lingering beside her for a minute.

"Well, goodnight. You're – you're a really promising doctor. You'll make a great surgeon." With that, he started to walk towards his car. It had been all he could think of to say, to hopefully take some of the sting out of his words.

"It's Dr. Kepner, isn't it?" Her voice rang out from 10 feet away. Jackson turned around. Stephanie was still sitting on the bench, looking over at him. "I just, well, I need to know. Are you really just busy and don't want to date me anymore, or is because of her?" Jackson looked at her and sighed. She met his gaze with miserable eyes. "I'm observant, _Dr. Avery_." He flinched at the emphasis of his professional name. "You've been staring at her for weeks, and I know you two had a thing before. I just need to know."

Jackson hesistated before responding, but there was no point in lying. He owed Stephanie the truth.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, but yeah." His voice was soft. She simply nodded, with pursed lips. He turned around. "I'm gonna go now."

"Yeah. That would be best." Jackson felt bad for feeling this, but he was more relieved than anything. He didn't have to spend time with Stephanie anymore, while thinking of April. The guilt had been eating him up.

His phone rang just as he was getting into his car. The caller ID read Dr. John Greenway. He sighed in exasperation. Jesus. This guy was insistent.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Avery! It's Greenway again, I just wanted to ask if you've made a decision yet."

"You do realize it hasn't even been 12 hours since you called me? Thank you for your offer, but I do need some time to think about it before I make a decision."

"Shouldn't be a hard one. Groundbreaking clinical trial with your brilliant mentor's even more brilliant mentor." He had the same casual arrogance in his voice as Mark had.

"I know, and believe me, I'm very interested. In fact, there's really just one person I need to talk to. I'll get back to you within a few days. Have a good night." Jackson had a new idea; it was something he wanted to do right then.

"Yeah. You too. You sound stressed. Go find yourself a girl to spend the night with. I'm sure you've got somebody already." With that, Greenway hung up.

_He really is like Mark_, Jackson thought. _Maybe it'll sort of be like working with him again. _He was hopeful. He would be doing serious work again.

He threw his phone in the backseat and started up his car. Going out of the parking lot, he turned in a different direction then he would normally to get to his apartment. While talking to Greenway, he had gotten what seemed like a good idea. It was a little delusional, and he didn't know what he would say, what would happen, but he couldn't stop himself. He was going to visit April.

Jackson's car inched up to the gravel parking lot, where he parked and hopped out fast. Once he reached April's door, with the silver numbers 105 staring back at him, and knocked lightly, he realized that he had absolutely no idea what she would be doing. He did need her advice on the trial, and she had been his best friend, she really did know what was best for him. He knew that deep down he had come just to see her, just to be near her, even just as a friend. He really missed her. He couldn't mess up her plans again, though, so if being friends was as close as they would get, he would deal with it. Or so he told himself.

The door opened and there stood April. "Jackson?" She looked confused, but so beautiful.

"Hey, sorry, I know I didn't call first, but I was wondering if we could, uh, talk-" he cut himself off as he realized how agitated she looked. He noticed what was wearing, too; low cut, strapless pink dress, black high heels. Her hair was all curled and swept to one side. It spelled out date.

"April? Who is it?" A male voice called out from somewhere in her apartment. Matt's voice. A dish clanked, and Jackson could hear faint romantic music, or "smooth jazz crap" as he called it.

"Oh, sorry. You're - you're busy. I should probably go," he said, stumbling over his words.

"No, it's okay. I'll be there in a sec, Matt!" she called over her shoulder. Her hair that Jackson had loved to tangle his hands in brushed over her shoulders, and her pale bare shoulder and neck made him at a loss for words. "I'd love to talk, Jackson, I'm just, well- Matt's here and we're sort of on a date. So another time?" She looked up at him, biting her lip. She'd spoken quieter, so Matt wouldn't overhear. She really didn't know why it would matter if he did overhear, though.

"Yeah, sorry, like I said, I should've called first." Her eyes were shining and he couldn't look away. The two of them stood motionless, an awkward silence that lingered too long. "I should go."

"Yeah. Goodnight. Talk to you soon?" April smiled tightly.

"Sure." Jackson said a quick goodbye and turned around, walking away quickly. His brain felt fuzzy as he got into his car. _What was I thinking?_ He'd told himself time after time that he and April could be friends again, but as soon as he saw her, all he wanted to do was kiss her. He reached over and picked up his phone. At least one good thing had come from his visit, besides getting to see April. He had made a decision. He sat in his car, his head rested on the steering wheel as the phone rang. It went straight to message, and Jackson took a deep breath.

"Dr. Greenway. It's Dr. Avery. I'm saying yes to the trial." He hung up, and tossed the phone in the backseat out of frustration. The trial was exactly what he needed, something to do in his own name, not Harper Avery's. Something to get away from all the forms and papers of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. But most of all, to get over April. She was happy. Matt was perfect for her, and she was just so happy with him. And that's what he wanted for her. He needed to let her go. But as hard as he tried to get her out of his head, the image of her in that pink dress, standing on her doorstep, biting her lip in that adorable and sexy way, was permanently burned in his head. He started up his car and headed home.

Chapter 2


	2. Chapter 2

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 2

_*****Thanks so much to everyone who commented, it means a lot! I'll try to update this story as much as possible, I have a lot of it written already, it's just a matter of how fast I can edit it. This chapter is almost entirely from April's point of view, it's just the way it went, but I'm not writing the entire fic alternating between their perspectives each chapter, that's just the way it started. **_

_**If you're wondering, the fic's title comes from the song "The Last Time" by Taylor Swift & Gary Lightbody. **_

_**Oh and also, Jackson and April in 9x19 last night were amazing! You could so see that April was realizing how she felt about Jackson, and the entire scene where he was comforting her when she cried was just perfect, especially the part where he just closed his eyes for a minute. It just said, "I'm happy here, this is exactly where I want to be." Hopefully we'll get more Japril in next week's episode, but until then, I'll be writing this fic to distract myself that we have to wait a week. **_

Chapter 2:

April stood on the threshold of her doorstep, squinting in the darkness as she watched Jackson's disappearing figure. She heard his car start up and the receding sound of the engine as he drove away. She knew she was letting all the cold air in, and Matt was waiting for her, but for some reason, she couldn't move to close the door. She was rooted to the spot, confused. Why had Jackson randomly showed up at her apartment? _What did he want? _

April could hear the steady fall of the rain as it splattered the ground in the Seattle night. She tried to shut down her thoughts, the ones that always plagued her when Jackson was around. She hated them; he was her past, and somebody she would never see eye to eye with in a relationship. She needed to move on, with Matt, who was sweet and charming and awkward in an adorable way. He was someone like her, and he had the same beliefs. _But, _said the whispering voice she always tried to push away, _he's not Jackson. _

"Babe?" April whirled around, startled. Matt was standing a few feet behind her, in the hallway, looking at her questioningly. "Who was that?" Matt craned his neck to try and see outside.

"Oh…uh, nobody." April shook her head, mostly trying to get rid of thoughts of Jackson. She was with Matt. Matt was perfect. He was just like her, and he wanted the same things. "It was just the mailman." She bent over and picked up the stack of unopened bills and letters that had been sitting on top of the low table behind the door. She waved them in the air. They really had been sitting there since that morning.

"Mail comes at night now?" Matt looked confused. He walked over and started rubbing April's shoulders, looking down at her with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I guess so." She laughed nervously, and smiled up at him awkwardly. She shut the front door and walked to the kitchen, pulling Matt along by his hand. He wrapped his arms around her from behind. April had no idea why she was lying to Matt. She already felt awful; he was like a big teddy bear, so nice and sweet. Nobody lied to guys like him. She didn't get why she hadn't just said it had been Jackson. It wasn't as if Matthew knew about them; she had told him she was a virgin and that Jackson was just a friend. And it wasn't as if Jackson had said or done anything in their brief interaction. He probably just wanted to friends again. She pretended to hope that was true.

"Okay, well, should we finish dinner? It's amazing, by the way. You are an amazing cook. I didn't even think I liked vegetarian lasagna, but I think I do now. You've convinced me." Matt blushed. "Sorry, I'm rambling again. You sort of do that to me. Make me ramble, I mean. Not that there's a problem with that. Unless, I mean, if you think there's a problem. Okay, I'm just going to stop talking." April giggled and grinned at him again. She kissed his cheek (she didn't have to stand on tiptoes because she was wearing high heels,) and took his hand.

"Thank you. We should probably finish dinner. It's getting cold."

April loved spending time with Matt. She'd been having a great time, up until Jackson had showed up. He had been making her laugh at stupid jokes and his goofy facial expressions. But now, sitting down at the table again, she just couldn't take her mind off of Jackson. She hardly ever could; she always tried to shut him out, to not think of him as she was lying in bed at night, during a surgery, or driving to work. She tried not to think about how they used to go to work together during residency, and sometimes he had come over while they were dating (or whatever it was,) and they would end up falling asleep on her bed, skin against skin. She tried to deny it, but those had been the best nights, even with all the guilt that had piled up inside her for betraying Jesus again. But she just tried so hard to forget him, how comfortable she was with his arms around her. She tried so damn hard. And sometimes, she could forget, think they could be friends again, though as soon as she saw him, she thought otherwise. Mostly, she just missed him. Whatever he was to her, she missed him. Then Matt had started to change things. She could laugh with him, and be herself again, which she'd only be able to do with Jackson. Sometimes, for a brief moment, she would forget about him. The rest of the time, she pretended that the longing wasn't there.

"Seriously, are you okay? Was it something I said?" Matt looked at her with worry in his face. She realized that she'd been pushing around what was left on her plate with her fork, not eating a bite. April's mind had been going in so many different directions, mostly trying to figure out what Jackson had come for. She wanted to know, but she tried not to admit it to herself.

"No, it's fine. I just have a bit of a headache. And I just, I - I totally forgot, I have a major surgery with uh…Meredith in the morning. Is it okay if we maybe skip the movie? Rain check?" She rubbed her temples with her hands, elbows planted on the table.

"Yeah, sure. Are you sure you're alright, though? 'Cause I could stay over and watch over you. Well, not literally watch you, that's really creepy." April giggled at Matthew's fumbling words.

"It's okay, I know what you meant. I think it's best if you just go. I mean, if you stayed, that would prove as a distraction for me going to sleep." She smiled.

"Yeah, that's fine. Can I meet you for lunch tomorrow? Check up on you? Make sure you're feeling okay?"

"Of course. I'm sorry I had to ruin our night. I guess I just forgot." She sheepishly looked at him, then stood up. "I can clear up the dishes."

"No, I'll do that." She tried to protest, but he cut her off firmly. "You said you have a headache. You may be a doctor, but we're outside the hospital, and I'll take care of you this time. Go get some aspirin and lie down." He looked so concerned and insistent. He walked over to the sink and grabbed a glass, and filled it with water, handing it to her. April sighed.

"Yeah, okay. See you tomorrow?" She walked up and kissed him lightly, letting her lips linger on his. "Goodnight." She turned around and went into her bedroom to find some aspirin. She lay down on her bed, on top of the covers, and listened to Matt clanking around her tiny kitchen, the water running from the faucet, the dishes being put away. Everything went quiet and she heard him coming to check on her. Rolling on her side, she pretended to be asleep. She heard as Matt tiptoed into the room. She felt him throw the blanket from the end of her bed around her. He even tucked in the end so her feet wouldn't stick out. His footsteps receded and she heard him grab his coat and keys. He closed the door with a soft click. April tossed her pillow across the room, and laid her head back on the cool mattress, trying not to feel guilty for all the lying she'd just done to her boyfriend.

April lay on her bed for a good while, staring at the plain white ceiling, wondering what to do. She tried, and failed, again, to stop thinking of Jackson. But all she could wonder was what he was going to tell her tonight. Guilt at all the lies she had told poor Matt didn't help, it just ended up making her wonder why she was thinking of Jackson so much. She really didn't have a major surgery in the morning. She'd said the made-up surgery was with Meredith because April knew that she would cover for her if something were ever brought up. She was starting to get a headache, so that wasn't entirely a lie. She didn't even know exactly how all those lies had flown out of her mouth, even the bigger ones; Matt hadn't expected her to be a virgin, but she had told him she was because she liked the idea, and he didn't even know about her and Jackson. But already remembered her and Jackson, every second of their encounters it seemed, and that was all she thought about. _Lying makes it easier_, she guessed.

April picked up her phone from her beside table. Her fingers slightly shook as she dialed his number. Pressing the phone to her ear, she heard a shake sigh, and wondered how it had gotten to this. She was nervous about calling her best friend. The phone rang twice before he picked up.

"Hello? April?" he sounded surprised, and a little nervous himself.

"Jackson. Hey." There was a silence as both of them tried to figure out something to say.

"Listen, April, sorry I barged in on your night earlier."

"No, that's fine. I was just wondering why you came over." Her voice shook a little, sounding hopeful.

"I, uh…is Matt still there?" Jackson was hesitant of what to say.

"No, he had to go."

"Okay, well, I want to talk to you, it's just, I sort of wanted to do it in person." Jackson had made his decision, but he still wanted to talk about it with April, and let her find out from him and not somebody else.

"Yeah. Okay. Uh…When?" There was still a thin layer of awkwardness that could be felt through the phone line, but April liked talking to him, hearing his voice again.

"I've got surgery first thing, but do you want to meet in the tunnels?" Jackson didn't really know why he picked the tunnels, they hadn't eaten there since they were in 4th year, just after the shooting. But it was a place that they could talk without getting interrupted. There was no need to be secretive, but he had to admit it would be nice to talk to just her. He promised himself nothing would happen. He had to let her go as his best friend, not as a girl he left in the mess of a ruined relationship.

"Yeah, sure, that works. Around 11 maybe?" She had made lunch plans with Matthew at noon, and April remembered seeing his rhinoplasty on the OR board for tomorrow. He started at 7, and they took about 4 hours.

"Yeah. Great." Jackson grinned instinctively, it was nice, remembering the feeling of happiness that came with being around April for him. It had all but disappeared in the past few weeks, since he had to work hard to control himself while she was around.

"So…see you then?" April didn't want to hang up yet.

"Yeah…" Jackson trailed off. The silence was no longer awkward, almost comforting, having each other's presence within a few silent seconds. "I should go. You probably have things to do and…stuff."

"Sure." April was about to hang up when she surprised herself. "Anything happen at work today?" The only question she could think of.

Jackson paused. He was going to tell her all about Greenway's offer tomorrow, face to face, but he chuckled as he remembered something that had happened that morning.

"What?" Jackson could imagine April smiling.

"Well, Karev's appendicitis kid barfed all over him." April laughed. Getting puked on wasn't fun when it was her, but when it was others, it was hilarious, and nothing was better than it happening to Alex. "I was walking past to talk to him about a consult and he was explaining an appy to the parents. He sat down on the bed and the kid just sort of leaned forward and threw up in his lap."

April giggled. "How did he react?"

"Oh god, the look on his face was priceless. I really wanted to take a picture with my phone, but he probably would've tackled me and I didn't want barf all over me." Jackson wished April were beside him, instead of him just hearing her voice, as he stared up at the ceiling. He would've been so happy just to see her bright smile, and to put his arm around her, just to know he could always do that. Everything faded to silence again.

"Well, see you tomorrow then?" April said tiredly.

"Okay, goodnight." Each hung up, unaware that the other was doing the exact same thing; lying on their beds, staring at the ceiling, heavy with the words they didn't say.


	3. Chapter 3

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 3

_*****Again, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! It means a lot. I'm on spring break right now so I've been able to update everybody, but I do have to go back to school soon, so I'll try to update at least 2 times per week. This fic won't be a super long one – I'm thinking 10 chapters maximum. Anyways, thanks so much, and if there's anything that you think I could improve on, I would be happy to know! *****_

Chapter 3

April stepped back from the table and sighed in satisfaction. "Okay, we're all done here. Dr. Wilson, could you close for me, please?" Jo grinned at her from beneath her scrub mask.

"Really? Me?"

"Yes, you. Now hurry up, I've got somewhere to be, so just don't kill the guy. Dr. Simon, you can oversee." Simon was the third year resident holding the clamps.

After scrubbing out of surgery, she hurried quickly to meet Jackson where they'd planned. April slowed down, telling herself there was no reason to run this fast to meet a friend, but she seemed to always speed up again. She'd ended up in surgery that morning, so she hadn't completely lied to Matt. It had been a six year old that had come in with a tender abdomen that turned into an appendectomy, only a half hour surgery, but still a surgery.

She spotted Jackson, sitting on a gurney against the wall. He was reading through a hefty cream-colored file. As she got closer, she could make out the name "John Greenway" on the front in black letters. Jackson looked up at her and closed the file. He smiled nervously.

_Damn those eyes, _April thought. _Don't get sucked in. _She already felt the urge to straddle him and buck her hips against his. She smiled back timidly. "Hey," she sat down beside him. They awkwardly glanced at each other, and then stared at the brick wall on the opposite side of the hallway. "So…what did you want to talk to me about?" April asked.

"I, well…I got this call." Jackson looked sideways at her. She was looking at him, but trying to avoid his gaze. "From a guy, a plastic surgeon in New York. John Greenway. He was Sloan's guy. I mean, his mentor. Sloan used to talk about him all the time." Jackson paused. April had made eye contact with him; she was biting her lip in that adorable way and looking at him expectantly. It took every inch of his willpower not to kiss her, very passionately. He didn't realize how long he'd stopped talking and just been staring into her gaze until she looked down awkwardly.

"So, what happened? What was he phoning about?" April became conscious of how close they were sitting. Their baggy navy blue scrubs were almost touching. She frankly just wanted to tear off his scrubs and then her own. She looked at the brick wall again, trying hard to shake that thought from her head. She could feel a slight blush spreading over her cheeks. _Maybe this is why we've stopped spending time together, _she thought.

"Well, he's doing this big groundbreaking trial, and he wants me to be a part of it. Well, not be just a part of it, he wants me to help him run it, like 50/50. But that would mean me moving to New York, for I don't know how long, but at least 2 years. And I know that's a long time, and technically I own a hospital now, but I really hate it. I mean, there's things I like, but everything else just overshadows it. And I don't know, it just seems like a good idea. I'm really interested in that type of research. Greenway says it's the forefront of plastic and reconstructive surgery, and he's right. This will – it'll make my career my own, not my family's. Plus, Mark would've wanted me to go. Actually, he would have kicked my ass if he didn't." Jackson smiled slightly and looked over at April, adding a dry, nervous laugh. Again, he'd been staring at the wall to avoid getting lost in her gaze. She was looking intently at him, with a tilted head, an unidentifiable look in her eyes. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking. Another silence stretched between them as Jackson waited for April to say something.

"Well, do you want to go? I mean, it's a big decision and you do run a hospital." April's voice went all airy at the end, as she tried to feign a dry laugh. "It does sound like an amazing opportunity, though. You deserve something like this." She was being honest, but in a very clipped way. Inside, she was trying to fight down so many emotions. _Jackson, leaving?_ She'd been trying desperately to let him go and shake him out of her mind, but she'd never thought of him not being there.

"Yeah. I do. I mean, I like my job here, but it's so hard with all the administrative crap and the way everybody treats me. They play kiss ass with me to get what they want because, technically, I represent the Harper Avery Foundation, and they own the hospital. It's just another way that my family controls me. So maybe I need to make my name on my own and then come back to work here again. I just – I don't know, I really need to do something. Be the surgeon I want to be, I guess. " Jackson swallowed, looking at April, waiting anxiously for what she would say.

April nodded; the expression on her face was one of worry. "But you're still thinking about it, right? You haven't made a decision?" Her voice shook a little bit, and she hoped Jackson wouldn't notice. She glanced down at the thick file beside Jackson, with the now hostile, bold letters reading "Greenway."

Jackson paused. His anger and frustration from last night had resulted in a confirmation, but despite knowing it was the right decision, needing to move on, something was holding him back. "Well, yeah, I did make up my mind. I gave Greenway the go ahead. I wasn't sure and that's why I came to talk to you last night. I wanted to know what you would think. But, I've made a decision now. I think it's right. Greenway already gave me the files." He picked up the creamy colored folder and waved it in the air. "Anyways, like I said, I just wanted to talk to you about it. " April looked up at him, glad that he had wanted to talk to her. Yet the feeling of hysteria was slowly rising in her stomach. She blurted out her next words; ones that she knew were the rights ones to say. Underneath all her current thoughts, she was happy for her best friend. Her heart and her stomach were saying otherwise.

"That'll be great. For you, I mean. Start a new life, a career for real. And it'll be nice to work with Mark's old mentor. I'm glad y-you're doing this." She forced out a small smile, her lips still together. She started to nervously run her fingers through her hair. Somehow more of a space had formed between her and Jackson. They were no longer almost touching. April's pager started to beep; she leaned over to check it and then jumped up.

"Oh, I-I've got to go. Motorcycle crash. Err…talk to you later?"

Jackson nodded. "Yeah," he said quietly, clenching the folder in his hand. His knuckles were almost white. He was all of a sudden hit with this massive wave of rage, though at exactly what, he didn't know. April had started to jog away, hurrying down to the pit, when he called out.

"I just need to know, do I – did I ever mean anything to you? Like, when we were having sex and sort of dating – I mean, that was never clear, but did I mean anything? Or when we were best friends? Or are you just so relieved that I'll be gone so you can go off with your paramedic? So you can forget all about what happened all over again?" His tone was icy, and a little sneering.

April narrowed her eyes and frowned, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't think I – we mattered to you. You just want to get on with your life the way you planned it. You made it pretty damn clear from all the stuff you said. I'm just the idiot that didn't realize that till later. I don't matter. You don't care." His voice was shaking with anger. Jackson crossed his arms and sat rigidly, looking at April defiantly from where he sat on the gurney.

There was a moment of tense silence as April processed his words, a look of anger appearing on her face as well. So many emotions were coursing through her; shock, anger, sadness, disbelief, disappointment, rage. Rage won in the end as she stormed up to Jackson, red hair waving behind her shoulders. She pulled him to standing by a fistful of his scrubs top and looked up at him.

"You don't get to tell me we didn't matter. You don't." Her voice was deeper and stormier than he had ever heard it. She had a very determined and defiant expression on her face as her eyes bored into his, her hand still clenching the navy blue fabric. "You were my best friend. My _best friend. _And I-I made a commitment to myself, a promise to what I believe in. Jackson, all that stuff I said, it never had anything to do with you. I knew I wasn't going to stop sleeping with you, no matter what I thought, because there was a pull. We thought I was pregnant and you-you told me you were ready to marry me. And maybe I didn't tell you, but I wanted that with you. I did. But I was also relieved that our lives wouldn't change, there wouldn't be a baby to rise after a shotgun wedding. But if I remember correctly, you broke it off, you-" Her voice was starting to rise as Jackson cut her off.

"April, look-" He tried to interrupt, tell her he was sorry. He was just angry and stressed and he took it out on her, but April wouldn't let him.

"No, you moved on first, you started sleeping with Stephanie. And it took me a long time to get rid of that pull I had to you. A lot longer. You mattered to me so much. You still do. But now I've set myself straight again and you are not going to tell me I didn't care. You are not." She released her grip on his scrub shirt and stood stiffly with her hands at her side, looking indignantly up at him. She turned around abruptly and started to walk away at a hurried pace. Jackson sighed and April could feel his blue-green eyes, the eyes that she'd spent the entire conversation trying not to get sucked into, bore into the back of her. He looked at her retreating figure, the figure he loved more than any other woman's simply because she was so beautiful and she was her. He snapped back into attention as he realized what he'd said as his anger dispersed.

"April, I didn't mean-" she turned around abruptly.

"I want you to go since you're my best friend." Her tone was dismissive as she turned around and pushed out of the tunnel's doors on her way to the pit. Jackson slumped back down on the gurney once he realized he'd been standing, immobilized since April had roughly pulled him up. He could still see her walking away, the way her hair flew out behind her, hear the squeak of her sneakers

_Why was I so angry? _Why, all of a sudden, had he said those things? He hadn't really thought any of them were true, for the most part, but he needed to know. He hadn't known he was going to say them, but he'd thought them for nights on end as he lay in his bed, trying to stop thinking of April, which never worked. They plagued him all day, the thoughts of what she thought of him. _Did it matter? Did we matter to her? What was I to her? _He was actually still trying to sort out what she was to him. He loved her, he knew that, but she was his best friend and he knew what would make her happy, and that wasn't him, though he himself desperately thought otherwise. He knew he had been willing to marry her, more than willing, actually, have a baby and raise it with her. But then he had decided it was enough; when they found out she wasn't pregnant, he'd been sick and tired of hearing her thoughts on their relationship, so he'd called it off. As much as he tried to convince himself it had been best for both of them, he'd regretted it since the moment he'd done it. The feeling of missing her, even in the minute after she'd gone, didn't fade away. Everything had become a mess of unspoken words and feelings and thoughts and her and him. He just didn't know what to do anymore. He sighed heavily, opened Greenway's file, and continued reading.

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April rushed up to the pit. She was incredibly late, her pager kept going off, but she kept going down the wrong hallways and into the wrong doors. She was glad that Jackson hadn't been able to see her expression as she'd walked away from him. It had been one of sadness and anxiety, she was sure. She couldn't believe she'd said those things to him. Not until they'd been coming out of her mouth, at least. As soon as they had, they had just kept coming. She hadn't planned them; she hadn't even entirely known she'd thought them, yet they were true. She wanted that with him. A baby, a house, a backyard; a life. _Had wanted, _she corrected herself.

April tried to calm the sensation of her stomach flip-flopping, but she couldn't stop herself from feeling so upset. He was leaving her. Well, not her, but he was leaving. She knew she was being selfish, since she knew that the clinical trial in New York was exactly what Jackson needed, she'd even told him so, but she didn't want him to leave. No matter what April tried to tell herself – she had Matt, Jackson needed a new start, distance could make them better friends, but all she wanted was him in Seattle with her. She shook her head to get rid of her thousand emotions as she put on a yellow trauma gown. The bustling ER was a wonderful representation of her head and how she was feeling.

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Eventually Jackson got up from the gurney, and took the file to his office to finish reading. April threw herself into a 6 hour surgery on a motorcycle crash victim to forget her and Jackson's words as long as possible. But both of them were still with each other, sitting rigidly in the tunnels and remembering the feeling of almost touching, and thinking of what it would have felt like if they had.

_*****Please review! I'll try to update as soon as possible, hopefully on Thursday. *****_


	4. Chapter 4

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 4

_*****So, in anticipation of 9x20 (which airs tonight!) here's the 4**__**th**__** chapter as promised. Sorry, I know it's a little late, but I am a west coaster so the episode isn't for a few more hours. I think I forgot to mention this before, but this is my first fanfic and my first time using , so I'm still trying to figure lots of things out, so hopefully you guys think it's going pretty smoothly. Anyways, thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Hopefully I can get chapter 5 up sometime this weekend, and chapter 6 if I have time…*****_

Chapter 4

It was a rare day of good weather in Seattle. April admired how the sun's rays cast onto the Space Needle and illuminated it for all those looking up, as she herself did so from Matthew's car. Matt had slept over on her couch last night and had offered her a ride to work since their shifts started at the same time. She watched the 6 AM traffic rush past and tried to listen to Matthew talk about all his cases rom the day before. She had surgery with Jackson this morning, which caused her stomach to twist into multiple painful knots. She didn't know how she was going to be able to look at him, much less talk to him, after all the things she'd said yesterday. He was leaving for New York, which left her feeling heartbroken, though she tried to ignore that, but she also wanted to know more about his trial there. She just didn't know how to form the words to ask him, she was still so upset. After Matt and her had finished their movie, she had gone to her room and lay on her bed, tears of frustration running onto the pillow. She had been glad that she was sleeping alone and Matt hadn't joined her. Normally, she tried to get him to, but he had strict boundaries and he was still under the impression that she was a virgin. She would have felt guilty lying next to him, desperately trying to hide her thoughts and feelings on other guy. She was going to miss Jackson so much.

"There was this one guy who we had to shock in the field, after he fell 40 feet from a window. His bones were absolutely shattered and we could tell there was a lot of internal bleeding. Did you get that case?" Matt looked over at his girlfriend with his adorable grin, his eyes full of concern, both hands on the wheel. He squinted out at the surrounding lanes of traffic. April liked that he was a cautious driver. It made her feel safe. The multiple times she'd been in a car with Jackson, he had always driven so fast, switching from lane to lane constantly to pass cars. April had always found herself clutching the edge of the seat and tensing up.

"April?" Matt looked over at her worriedly. "Did you hear what I said?" She looked over at Matthew, and realized that, again, she'd gotten caught up in comparing Jackson and Matt.

"Guy who fell forty feet, uh…no, I didn't. I was in surgery then." She smiled at him. "Do you know if he made it through?"

"I hope so," Matt said, furrowing his brow.

"I can check for you today, if you want. Give you a full report when I see you tonight?" April adored how concerned he got over the people he helped save.

"That would be great," he said appreciatively. "It's funny, whenever we drop somebody off at the hospital, I always wonder whether or not you'll get that person. I always feel better about the people I know you get as patients."

"You make me sound so amazing." April laughed, placing her hand on his leg.

"That's because you are. Seriously, my girlfriend is an awesome surgeon." He took one of his hands of the steering wheel and laced his fingers through April's. She blushed slightly.

"You've never even seen me operate before, though."

"Yeah, but I just know. We paramedics see the best and worst of you guys. And you're definitely one of the best." His tone was very sincere.

"Well, thanks. Speaking of you never seeing me operate before, maybe I could sneak you into the gallery one time? Then you can actually see me save one of your patients." She grinned at him and raised her eyebrows, then glanced back out the window at the approaching turn off to the hospital.

"I would love to see you operate. Just let me know if you can."

"I'll make it work." She curled her fingers tighter around his, staring at the license plate of the car in front of them. Matthew continued to ramble on about his cases. She tried to calm down her stomach, which was a twisted knot of nerves as she thought of how the four-hour surgery with Jackson could go. She rested her head on the cool passenger side window.

"We brought in this poor little girl who couldn't stop throwing up blood. I think the Karev guy got her and also your pregnant friend, oh, uh…Meredith's her name." Matt made the signal and turned into the hospital parking lot. "And after that, I went to your apartment just like I'll do tonight." He leaned over and have her a quick kiss on the lips as she turned and took her forehead off the window.

"See you later," April said as she grabbed her bad and shut the car door, watching as Matthew walked quickly over to the ambulance in the early morning sun. She took a deep breath as she walked towards the doors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, to what she thought would be the most awkward hours of her life.

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Jackson and April stood silently, both focused intensely on their hands as they scrubbed them after surgery. The surgery had gone very well; the woman had her hernia taken care of and a smaller stomach to boot. It wasn't as awkward as April had thought it was going to be, either. Jackson had already scrubbed in when she got there, waiting, and they just nodded at each other before starting. They'd started out avoiding eye contact, but had talked about what they were going to do at each stage. Jackson had kept cracking lame jokes, but April laughed anyways because it was nice to spend time laughing with him. He'd complained about his mom and all the administrative forms, and April offered advice from what she remembered from being chief resident. They'd steered clear of the topic of him moving, their conversation from the day before, and of Matt. Overall, though, they had felt as close as friends since before they'd started sleeping together. But now, standing in the scrub room, the only sound being the water running down the drain, a cloud of awkwardness dominated again. Both of them had become aware that they'd been washing their hands for far too long.

Jackson looked up into the OR, where only one nurse remained, re-organizing the surgical instruments. He shut off the water, and April did the same. Taking off his scrub cap, he looked over at her.

"Nice job, April." He smiled slightly, the million things he could say tumbling around his head. She looked up and gave him a small smile herself.

"You too." The awkward silence continued as they stood still, staring into the OR. April took off her scrub cap and pulled her hair tie out, letting her red hair tumble down her shoulders. Jackson didn't know what he wanted to say, but he did know he wanted to say something.

"Look-what I said yesterday, about you and me and whether we mattered-"

"It's okay, we can just forget about-" April cut him off as she sighed.

"No, it's not okay. I was angry for so many different reasons and I needed answers, but I sort of took it out on you. I'm sorry." He looked at her, a sincere look in his eyes. She fought not to get lost in them.

"Okay. I'm sorry I, uh, went off like I did. I was pretty angry too." There was silence as they both tried not to think about what April had said, and what they both had wanted. Or, sort of wanted. Jackson and April were still trying to figure that out on their own.

"Just be sorry you wrinkled my scrub shirt." Jackson broke the silence. April giggled.

"I'm sorry, I can iron it for you if you want," she said in a slightly mocking tone. Things faded to silence again. "So you really took the job in New York?" She winced at the way her voice trembled slightly. She could feel her cheeks warming.

"Yeah. I did." His voice was soft. He glanced over at her. They both were leaning forward, resting their hands on the large stainless steel sink, and alternating between quickly looking at each other and staring into the OR. The nurse was now gone and they were left staring at blue drapes and blank screens.

April fought back the twisting feeling in her stomach that had started to reappear. "Oh. That-that's good. I'm happy for you. When are you leaving?" She swallowed, choking down her thoughts so they wouldn't show on her face.

"July 23rd. The trial starts officially on the 1st of August, so I need to screen people and help prep the week before."

"Cool." It was all she could think of to say.

Jackson was fighting the urge to put his arms around her. He could tell she was upset, but putting on a brave face to try and hide it. It made him feel bad, for making her upset. It was awful knowing that she had to cover up her feelings around him. He just couldn't figure out exactly why she was upset. _Is it because I'm leaving?_

"I won't be gone forever. I'll come back to Seattle eventually, but the trial could take about 2 years." April only nodded, staring ahead. "You okay?" he asked. She could hear the concern in his voice. It was comforting, knowing he still cared for her. Not that she ever thought he had, but the reminder was nice.

"Yeah, I'm fine. This'll be good for you in making your career." She paused for a second, before adding, "What does your mom think?" She gave him a playful grimace.

"I still have to tell her. She is not going to be happy." He shuddered just thinking about it.

"No offense, but I hope I don't have to be there for that." April said sympathetically.

"Just pray I'll make it out alive. She already found a way to tuck me under her wing here, I have no idea what she'll do to stop me from going to New York."

April moved her arms from where they were resting on the sink. "Just tell her you want to make your own career. Plus, Greenway was Sloan's mentor and Sloan was like the god of plastic surgery. She'll come around to the fact that you'll be working with him."

Jackson nodded in response. "Yeah, I guess so. Thanks."

"Anyways, I sort of need to go. I'm running the ER for Hunt this afternoon, and I want to eat lunch with uh-, well I just need to eat lunch before I go down." She didn't want to bring Matthew's name up. Not when they were actually having a good conversation. She made her way over to the door. Jackson didn't want her to leave yet. He needed to tell her something else.

"I broke up with Stephanie," he blurted. April turned around.

"What? You did? When?" She luckily was able to keep the hopeful tone out of her voice. She pushed down why she was hopeful in the first place as well.

"A few days ago. It just wasn't going to work. I wasn't being fair to her either." He turned around to face her and smiled.

"Oh, well uh…I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay." She smiled slightly at him, placing her arms behind her back. She lingered for a moment before turning. "I guess I have to go now. See you later?"

Jackson nodded, and just as she was pushing the door open, he said, "I miss you. I mean, as a friend. I miss my best friend." She looked right into his eyes. He was shocked at her intensity; she'd always been able to look right through him. He looked so sincere and she saw him swallow nervously.

"I miss my best friend too." She grinned at him before pushing open the door and disappearing down the hall. Jackson watched her go, wishing that he only missed her as a friend. Sure would make things a lot easier.

_*****Thanks for reading! Please review and also let me know if you like getting responses to your review. I read them all, but I just found out you can respond to them! So, let me know please **____** *** **_


	5. Chapter 5

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 5

_*****Hi everyone! So, this hiatus needs to end right now. I miss Grey's sooooo much! Luckily we don't have to wait much longer. Anyways, sorry that I haven't updated in awhile, I've gotten so swamped with schoolwork and dance. I'll try to update a lot more prior to the hiatus being over and frequently after that too. Thanks for the reviews! *****_

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April sighed in exasperation as she walked into the bustling cafeteria. It was jambalaya day again, and she couldn't see anybody she knew to sit with. She slumped in the line, but saw Meredith and Alex sitting at a table in the corner, so once she got her food, she went to join them.

"What is this even?" Alex lifted up the gloppy mess on his plates with a fork and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "It looks like a disease." April sat down and just stared at her plate. She all of a sudden wasn't hungry. This was not going to help her stomach, which was already a bundle of emotions after talking to Jackson.

"Well, I'm not eating it. My baby has enough to deal with, being in my uterus and all, so I don't need to poison him even more." Meredith pushed the tray away and leaned back, crossing her arms over her swelling stomach.

"Oh, it's a boy?" April gasped in delight. "Did you find out at the ultrasound last week?" She hadn't had a chance to talk to Meredith since then.

Meredith nodded. "And he's healthy. Or yesterday he was. He's not kicking right now, so I don't know. Could have liquid bands wrapped around his legs and they'll need to be amputated when he's born."

Alex rolled his eyes. April knew that Meredith was still incredibly worried about her baby's health, though she tried to hide it from Derek. "Glad he's not kicking, 'cause there's no freaking way I'm talking to him, like you made Yang do," Alex said, while taking another bite of jambalaya, which he swallowed with a look of pain on his face. "We're gonna get food poisoning from these. Nobody eat them." He glanced around the room, and his eyes settled on Jason and Jo, who were holding hands and laughing. "Except for him from the vagina squad. Nothing would make me happier." He grimaced, his gaze on Jo's hands holding Jason's.

"Alex, you really just need to say something to Jo already. You're really depressing and nobody wants to be around you right now. You're acting like me from five years ago again." Meredith looked darkly across the table at Alex, but April could tell she was concerned. For once, April sympathized with Alex. She knew exactly how he felt. Wanting somebody you couldn't have.

Meredith took a sip of her drink. "Hey, do you guys know where Jackson is? I have a consult with him this afternoon and I couldn't find him this morning."

April snapped to attention at the mention of his name. "He was in surgery with me," she flinched at the way her voice quavered, "hernia repair."

Meredith frowned. "Oh yeah, I forgot. I think he told me yesterday. Stupid pregnant brain. Or Alzheimer's. That's always a possibility." She rolled her eyes. "Wait…didn't you guys start at seven? Those only take about 4 hours. Its one now and I've been looking for him for the past hour."

"Oh, we were…uh…talking." April explained. She looked down at her lunch.

"Yes, talking. Not up to something dirty?" Alex raised his eyebrows at April, who started furiously blushing. He chuckled at her reaction, his eyes getting wider. "You two are so doing it again! What about Edwards and the paramedic?" He asked in a mocking tone.

"We are not sleeping together. I'm with Matthew now. Jackson and I are just friends." She neglected to mention that Jackson and Stephanie had broken up. Alex nodded, looking absolutely unconvinced at April's explanation.

"Speaking of the paramedic, how's taking him to the carnival going?" Meredith asked, glancing at Alex, who looked confused.

"Uh, um…can we talk about this later?' April stuttered, flushing again. Meredith raised her eyebrows, encouraging April to continue anyways. April sighed.

"Uh…not well. Like I said, not a corruptor. Plus, I don't even want to talk about this here. Or with you. No offense, but you don't have the best advice for me." She looked around nervously, to make sure no one else had heard, if they even had any idea what they were talking about.

"The carnival…" Alex's eyes shifted back and forth between April and Meredith. His eyes widened and he grinned widely. "Dude, you and Matt haven't boinked yet?" He snorted loudly as he sat back in his chair, laughing. April looked down at the disgusting mess on her plate in humiliation.

"Alex, would you just be quiet?" She asked in an annoyed and desperate voice. Meredith was giving Alex a warning stare, but she had an amused expression on her face.

"Seriously, though, why not? You don't seem to have an issue anymore, so what's his problem? Does he have a super tiny penis he's too embarrassed for you to see?"

"Oh, grow up, Alex." April's tone was sharp. "And would you just shut up already?"

"Or maybe it's because he's a….virgin!" Alex's voice was gleeful at his guess. April tried to keep her face neutral, but she couldn't keep the look of false denial off her face.

"No, no, he is not," she stuttered. She had no idea how she managed to get so red in the face whenever somebody said something the slightest bit embarrassing, but she could already feel her face burning up. _Why did Meredith have to bring this up?_

"He so is!" Karev leaned back in his seat, laughing obnoxiously. April looked over at Meredith, who was leaning back in her chair as well, looking at her with raised eyebrows and an amused expression on her face. "How does that even happen though?" Alex squinted his eyes as he thought about it. "Seriously, how does it?"

"Alex, would you _please _just shut up?" April sighed and shook her head. The sight of her disgusting plate of food was becoming quite familiar.

"The paramedic's a virgin," he chuckled.

"Okay, Alex, leave her alone." Meredith rolled her eyes, standing up and grabbing her tray to throw out the untouched jambalaya. "Sorry I brought it up, April," she said apologetically.

April mumbled that it was okay, stirring her jambalaya around. Alex chuckled again, and glanced at April.

"Look, sorry…I just, it's hilarious. But I'm good, I'll stop." His pager went off as he stood up. He looked down at it and started to sprint out of the cafeteria, leaving April to ponder how she was going to tell Matthew the truth about her virginity. She hated lying to him. It wasn't fair. She wanted sex again, but with him. At least, with Matthew, was what she tried to tell herself. She had no idea how she was going to bring it up. Most of all, she was thinking about her conversation with Jackson in the scrub room. _He broke up with Stephanie, _was echoing through her head. Her pager beeped and she picked it up. She rushed off to the ER, leaving the untouched jambalaya, but taking her thoughts of Jackson with her.

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April was sitting at the somewhat quiet nurses' station, eating pasta salad and looking through charts she needed to sign. It was the day after the lunch fiasco with Alex and Meredith, and she'd been avoiding them since then. That was why she was sitting at a nurses' station, eating lunch, charting, instead of doing so in the cafeteria. April gave a little start when she saw a dark hand place a lunch tray next to hers. She looked up.

"Hey," Jackson smiled timidly down at her. "I was wondering if I could eat with you?"

It took a minute for her to register what he was asking, but she erased the blank, confused look on her face with a grin. "Of, of course." She moved a bunch of her charts from the other office chair so he could sit down.

"Thanks." The chair squeaked as he sat down. He took a bite of his sandwich before looking over at her. She was pushing her fork through her pasta salad awkwardly. "I was just thinking it would be nice to eat lunch together. Maybe it's time we really become friends again." His tone was sincere and he smiled nervously at her.

April looked over at him. She missed him so much. She was glad to get a chance to even talk to him again. Even though she was denying it to herself, there was more in her than friendship for him, but she just wanted to be near him again. She realized that they were sitting at the exact same nurses' station that they'd been at the day he'd admitted he had feelings for her. _Does he still have feelings for me? _No. She shut the voice out of her head. _He just wants to be friends again. That's all, April. _

"April…"Jackson was still looking nervously at her. "If that's not what you want, if you need more time-"

"No, it is time. I've missed you. Especially at lunchtime. I'm forced to eat with Alex and his dark cloud as he moons over Wilson."

Jackson snickered. "So that's who he's all hung up over." He shook his head. "How was running the pit yesterday?" He asked, taking a sip of soda. They were facing each other on the swivel chairs, their knees almost touching.

April shrugged. "Same as always. Except there was one guy who came in around six with this abdominal pain, so we did some tests and it turns out he had a teratoma made of liver tissues." She watched as Jackson's eyes widened. Teratomas were so rare, one came in about every 5 or 6 years, and everybody would fight over them when they did.

"Did you get to operate?" He asked.

"No, I didn't, Bailey and Webber did." She sighed. "Whatever, though. I got in on a good trauma after that. I'm just happy we have the ER back. Thanks for re-opening it." She grinned appreciatively.

Jackson feigned smugness. "Why, you're most welcome, Dr. Kepner." He grinned at her and she laughed lightly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. He couldn't help watching the way she moved her neck, the rise of her collarbones. He remembered with longing what it felt like to run his fingers through her hair. "Of course we were going to open it again. It would be stupid not to, especially when we have kick-ass surgeons like you running it." He watched as she blushed slightly, which he couldn't help but think how adorable the action was. He didn't think she got enough compliments.

"So, how's running the hospital going anyways? Too much administrative crap?" She asked, taking another bite of her lunch. The charts lay on the table, completely forgotten about.

"Boring. Awful. It'll be nice to get away from a lot of it in New York."

April still felt a slight twinge of sadness inside when he mentioned New York, but she pushed it away, deciding she was really just happy for him. Friends are happy for each other. It was always true; she was happy for him, but she was also being selfish because she wanted him to stay. "I can help you with some of it if you want." She offered.

"You know," he said, gesturing at her with his sandwich, "I might actually take you up on that."

She smiled, her mouth full of pasta salad. She swallowed before asking, "Have you told your mom yet? About you abandoning her precious hospital project she gave you?"

Jackson shook his head, his expression suddenly tense. "Not yet. I need to do it soon, though. If word gets out without me having told her, she'll be pissed. Well, _beyond pissed. _She'll march into here and tear half of the hospital down to find me."

"You're over exaggerating. She's not that bad. Just do what I told you. Tell her the truth." April nudged him slightly with her knee, and looked away at the unexpectant rush after having touched him went through her.

"Have you met her? Trust me, I am not over exaggerating." He raised his eyebrows questioningly at her.

April snorted. "Okay, fine. But it is your career, not hers."

"Tell that to her." He laughed lightly as he said it, though he still looked worried and a little annoyed at the thought of having to tell his mom. They both returned to eating their lunch, and there was a moment of quiet as they watched an obviously flustered intern rushed past.

"So, are you re-taking your boards this year?" Jackson tried to keep his tone casual, but he saw April stiffen at the topic. He started to tense as well, not knowing how she was going to react. It obviously made sense that they were both uncomfortable; their last boards had resulted in her failing because she'd had a crisis of faith during them, which he was partially to blame, since they'd had sex. Then they'd ended up having sex again in the men's washroom of all places.

April responded cautiously, not meeting Jackson's eyes. "Umm….yeah. They're in Portland this year, so I can just drive or take the bus down myself." She explained, avoiding his eyes and concentrating on her food.

"So you can, like, de-stress before. That'll be nice. Have you started studying yet?" He asked as she took her last bite of pasta.

April nodded. "Yeah, but it really stressed me out already. I just get so scared I'll get in there and forget everything or completely freak out and say the wrong thing, like last time," she admitted. Jackson could see worry in her brown eyes, and she clenched her fork tightly in her hand. He wanted to help her so badly. He still felt guilty for ruining her boards last time. He attempted to pretend that he regretted sleeping with her, but that wasn't true. He just wished they'd done it later on, at a different time, or started slowly with dating, and not just jumped feet first into the mess of a relationship. Then again, he still had no idea how that would've turned out if they had gone that route; there were other obstacles that would have gotten in the way.

"You won't mess up or freak out. Come on, you know this stuff." He smiled at her with reassurance.

"How do you know? I could completely blank or they could give me a trick question or I could faint from worry or-" He could hear the worry rising in her voice; even though there was still two months until the boards.

"Because I do. You're one of the best doctors we have. Plus, you know what to expect now. I can help you study if you want." He added this hesitantly, hoping she would say yes. Anything to help her. Anything to spend more time with her. Jackson was rewarded with a big smile. God, he loved that smile.

"That would be great. Thanks, Jackson. That's really helpful, actually." Her tone was sincere and warm. There was a rush of happiness going through her at the prospect of all the time she could get to spend with him.

"We should start studying soon, though. I started late and that was a huge mistake."

She giggled lightly. "I remember that." _It was before we happened, _was what she left out. "Thanks, though. Matthew's a paramedic, so it's hard to study with him. Meredith's got a baby coming, and Cristina and Alex are just sucky people to study with. So thanks." She smiled and they held each other's gaze. All Jackson could think about was just how _right _it felt. He looked at his watch. It was 12:45, and he had a board meeting starting soon. He groaned inwardly; this had been the highlight of his day, he didn't want to leave.

"Look, I have to go now, but talk to you soon?"

"Yeah, Thanks for offering to help me study. It means a lot."

"No problem. Well, uh…" Jackson sat rooted in his chair. The others would be annoyed if he was late, and he was done his lunch, but he wanted to stay. They could just pass the afternoon working together. "I should probably go." He grabbed his lunch tray before standing up, moving to walk around the nurses' station.

"Jackson." He turned back to see April, still sitting, smiling at him. "This was nice."

"Yeah. It was." He turned and started walking down the hallway; glad she couldn't see his wide grin.

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"Jackson, do you really need the French Press?" April called over her shoulder to him as she sorted through his kitchen cupboard. They'd spent at least a few hours ago a couple times a week together the past while, studying intensely for the boards. Mostly they'd been studying at the hospital, sitting in empty rooms but avoiding on call rooms. He was leaving for New York in a month and a half, and she was helping him with some packing. She'd come over so he could help her study for her boards, but she'd noticed he had absolutely no clue what he was going to do to get to New York. So the obsessive organizer in her had decided to help.

"What? No." Jackson walked into his small kitchen; leaving the box of books he'd been packing up. He had a confused expression on his face. "What is that anyways?" April handed him the curious contraption.

"Why do you have one if you have no idea what it is?" She laughed. She put it in the second box on the counter, the one of things he wasn't taking. "Oh, I remember what it's from. Actually, I think it's mine. How did you get it?" She demanded accusingly.

"Isn't it from the Christmas dinner last year when we still lived at Mer's? Mer and I were trying to figure out how to make some turkey thing cause you were at work late?"

April laughed as she remembered that night. "I asked you guys to start the turkey and stuffing because I was in surgery. I came home and it was almost burning and I don't even know what you were trying to make in this." She pointed at the French press.

"I think it was gravy. Meredith was freaking out because she wanted Zola's first Christmas dinner to be special and Derek was already working late too. "

April shook her head and rolled her eyes, though she was smiling. Of all people to ask to cook Christmas dinner, Jackson and Meredith were not the best options; neither of them had ever learned how to cook, they'd both been raised by single mothers who'd only cared about their future careers. "Pretty sure it was the only time I've ever seen Meredith try to make something other than cereal. Or you, for that matter."

"Well, you asked me to help get it started, since it was really you who planned the whole meal." He watched as April continued to fill the boxes with useless kitchen supplies he never used. He moved over to stand beside her and help. Jackson was very conscious of when her hip grazed his leg, a shiver running through him.

"Yeah, I guess it was. I mean, most of us had at least part of the day off, and Christmas is important, so I guess I figured we should probably do something." She shrugged and took the French Press from where he'd set it down on the counter. "I'm going to take this back." She tossed it onto the top of her bag, which was sitting in the hallway. She was painfully aware of how close they were standing; if she'd wanted, she could've turned to kiss him. She resisted the strong urge. "I remember coming home at like 10 with Derek and Lexie. Cristina and Alex were as drunk as hell while watching surgeries and we could all hear you and Meredith yelling at each other in the kitchen because you had no idea what to do." She covered her face with one hand, snorting with laughter.

"Well at least we tried." Jackson laughed along with her. "It turned out okay in the end, right?"

"Yeah. Zola seemed to like it, at least. The burnt turkey, I mean." They were done packing the kitchen things, and were just standing, facing each other, talking like old times.

"It wasn't that burnt!" He protested

April rolled her eyes. "If you say so…" She trailed off. "I miss that, though."

"The burnt turkey?" He laughed, and gave her a quizzical expression.

"No! I mean, all of us living together. Derek and Meredith and Alex and Lexie and you and me. It was – it was nice." She smiled, her tone full of sadness and nostalgia. "But then…"

"There was a plane crash and Lexie, well, yeah." He swallowed and they stood in a sad silence for a minute.

"And then you and I and Alex all moved out. Meredith and Derek moved to the house in the woods and started a family. And then Alex was going to Johns Hopkins, you were going to Tulane, and I, well, I was going back home." Her eyes were looking into his, but her gaze was a far away one. She smiled a sad smile. They were standing so close; she could've put her head on his chest if she leaned forward.

"But we all came back. We're just –" He looked down longingly at her. He remembered what she'd said about the pull between them. He completely understood it.

"Different." She sighed heavily. "I guess that can be a good thing, though? Not all of it, obviously, but some of it."

He nodded slightly, though he didn't really think so, for the most part at least. He really was wondering what would've happened with them if they hadn't broken up, if he'd just kept pushing, or if they hadn't slept together at all. He wondered what she thought. "I guess so. I guess it's good that we're different."

April looked up at him, the sad smile still lingering on her face. She took a half step backwards. "So, anyways, I guess we're all done packing here, so do you want my help with anything else?"

"Thanks, but no. You came over so we could study for your boards, not pack." He grabbed her lightly by the hand and started to pull her into the living room, where binders and study cards were spread across the floor. They both jumped at the intense shock from their hands touching, and they were careful to avoid eye contact as they sat down on the carpet.

April cleared her throat. "It's fine, though. I don't mind helping. You have to leave in a month and a half anyways, and you run a hospital. You need help."

"Yeah, but you're taking your boards in two weeks. We both know that that's way more important." Jackson picked up the white flash cards. "A sixty five year old comes in with a bowel obstruction…" He kept glancing up at her as he read, admiring her neck and jaw line, the way she bit her lip as she thought. She was deep in concentration, taking in his words, and figuring out the course of treatment. He watched as she launched into her solution. _All he had to do was lean across the binder, put his lips on hers, wrap his arm around her back and…._ He blinked a few times and went back to following along to what she was saying on the back of the flashcard. He nodded; she was getting it almost word for word. He looked over and smiled at her, though he could tell she was concentrating on some distant point. She was so determined, hard working; she was perfect. She would be an amazing surgeon. She already was.

"What?" Her confused tone snapped him back to attention. April was giving him a quizzical look. He cleared his throat and checked the card, laughing awkwardly. "Seriously, was that wrong? Oh my god, I'm hopeless, how am I ever going to pass this test? I mean, I failed once, I can see it happening again." She planted her hands behind her, sighing in exasperation.

"No. That -that was great. Perfect, actually. You're going to be amazing. Believe me, I can tell. You're gonna kick this test's ass and you're going to be a great trauma surgeon." His words were tender and he looked deeply into her eyes. "Really."

She gave him an appreciative smile. "Thanks." The room became quiet, but a nice, comfortable quiet. They could hear the rush of Seattle traffic outside as they looked at the ceiling while lying back. April tried to not let her longing for him show. They were so close; she could've reached out and put her hand on top of his, twine her fingers through his. She looked over at him and he smiled warmly back, his blue-green eyes entrancing her. As awkward as the situation could've been, it wasn't; it was hard for each of them to admit it, but it was exactly where they wanted to be.

A loud honk from outside brought them back to the present. April sat up straight and cleared her throat, blushing slightly. Jackson looked abruptly down at the cards.

"So, uh…next card?" April gave him a small smile, her eyes shifting back and forth to avoid getting lost in his again.

"Yeah, uhh…" He flipped to the next card and started reading aloud. April's head bounced lightly as she thought of her answer. The rain started to fall lightly outside, drumming gently on the roof. Jackson and April continued, sitting on his living room carpet, both secretly admitting it was the best day they'd had in awhile.

The entire evening, a certain conversation kept bouncing around April's head. It was the night before they took the boards, when they'd been in the bar, before they'd slept together. Or rather, it was a few words that just kept echoing.

"_Me and you. " _He said to her.

"_Me and you." _She remembered smiling and feeling so safe, so confident in her life. At that time, she'd still thought her path in life was going exactly right. Whatever would happen, she'd still have Jackson. But now she wasn't so sure anymore, and it was killing her.


	6. Chapter 6

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 6

_*****Hi everyone! Again, sorry it's been so long. This chapter took a rather long time to complete properly, and even now I'm not sure I wrote it the way I wanted it. From now on, I will try to update more and more. I've just been completely swamped with school and volunteering and work. Hoping to be a chapter or two away from finishing by the season finale, though. *****_

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April yawned as she walked into the hospital. She'd stayed late at Jackson's, far later than she'd planned to, studying for the boards, or mostly studying for them. They'd remained diligently focused until about eight, when they'd each had a glass of scotch from Jackson's cupboard and ordered a pizza. They'd sat on the floor and laughed about stupid stories from surgeries and residency back at Mercy West. It had been April's favorite evening in a long time, except for the fact that she'd been dying to touch Jackson, kiss him, put her head on his warm, welcoming chest or lead him to his bedroom. The living room floor would've been fine too, though. She'd spent the entire time choking back all the words that she was longing to say them. _But they weren't right. He was leaving and she had Matt and everything was going to be okay. At least that's what she told herself. _

She'd gone home around twelve, and even though she'd thought she was tired, she had ended up just lying in bed and thinking of how much she missed Jackson. It was ironic, but the more time she got to spend with him, the more she missed him; she wanted him as close to her as possible, to be wrapped up in his embrace, feel her naked skin pressed against his. She'd driven home, and now, to the hospital with a sense of guilt from spending so much time with Jackson and not Matthew, all whilst attempting to chase her thoughts of the former away.

"Hey babe." A voice whispered into April's ear. She jumped as big strong arms circled around her from behind. "I haven't seen you in awhile." She relaxed and grinned at the familiar voice.

"Matthew." Her tone was bright and cheery, though she was automatically cautious. She figured it was because of all the time she'd been spending with Jackson, and even though they were just friends, a nervous fluttering filled her stomach. It was almost as if she was cheating, though of course she wasn't. "Look, I'm sorry, it's just – I've had so much work and you know, with the boards coming up, I've had to do a lot of studying." She turned her head and smiled. She gave Matthew a quick peck on the cheek, and squeezed his hands with hers and pried his arms lightly from around her.

"That's okay, I know. You've got so much going on. I've missed you, though." She felt his lips as he peppered kisses on her neck, his arms on her shoulders as she walked slowly to the nurses' station. She glanced around, making sure nobody was staring.

"I miss you too." April giggled to cover up her fluttering stomach and quavering voice, as the feeling rose to her throat. _Why all the guilt? _It was eating her up. At what, she wasn't so sure anymore. For letting Matthew kiss her and wrap his arms around her? Letting him do that while she was lying about being a virgin, thinking about Jackson? Or was it for all the time she was spending with Jackson, enjoying every second of it? April didn't know what to think about anymore. Spending time with Jackson made her forget all her worries; she was free and happy, and the time flew by. It was only after she left would she start to feel the guilt.

"Look, I've got a bus crash coming into the ER. It's twenty minutes out, so I need to get down there and prep everything for Hunt. We might need to do emergency surgery there if the patient's are too unstable to move. See you later?" April grabbed a chart from the desk of one of her patient's from the day before, checking for any updates. She glanced over at Matthew.

Matthew gave her his smile, the one that had previously made her melt, but she now instead felt a sharp twinge in her stomach. "Okay. Have fun saving lives. Maybe we could meet for a late lunch around two?"

She raised her eyebrows and grinned, thinking about the way she would need to organize the trauma rooms once she was down in the pit. "I would love to. See you then." She touched his arm and rushed off without looking back.

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April walked into the cafeteria with Matthew next to her, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She'd just finished surgery on the last of her trauma patients and had met him outside of the cafeteria. He was telling her all about the people he'd brought to the hospital that morning. They headed over to the swiftly moving cafeteria line.

"Dr. Kepner!" April froze. She closed her eyes and sighed, praying that it wasn't whom she thought it was. _Catherine Avery. _She looked around wildly as she tried to figure out where she was calling her name from. "April, honey!" April caught the eye of Jackson's mother, who was waving wildly at her from a corner table across the cafeteria. She was wearing Grey Sloan's navy blue scrubs, so she was clearly here for a surgery. April smiled slightly at her, and trying to figure out how she could avoid an awkward conversation with her, she looked over at Jackson. He was giving April a pained expression, slumping across the table from his mother and shaking his head. _Don't come over here, _he mouthed, a look of desperation in his eyes. She gave him a look of exasperation, but then turned back to scoop up a package of tuna salad. Matt's arm was still around her shoulder, guiding her away from the line.

"Who's that?" He asked quizzically, gesturing over at Jackson's mother, who was still waving energetically.

"Jackson's mom. Remember the friend I told you about with the sort of crazy mom? He owns the hospital now." Matt nodded. She hadn't spent much time with Matthew and Jackson together obviously, she was pretty sure she'd only introduced them once. Matthew had no idea how close her and Jackson actually were. If only he knew the whole story.

"April, come sit with us!" April winced at Catherine's loud voice rang across the cafeteria. She'd been leading Matthew to a table as far away as possible, hoping that Catherine would leave them be, but that apparently was a lost effort. She turned around and smiled awkwardly. No avoiding her now. She motioned to Matthew, and he gave her a small smile as they walked in the direction of their table. Jackson's eyes were wide, shaking his head slightly as April and Matthew approached.

"April, honey, is this your new boyfriend?" Catherine's voice was warm and gleeful. She stood up and ushered April to sit beside her. April looked at Matthew and he shrugged, sitting down next to Jackson, across from Catherine. April was worried that this would turn into an interrogation for Matthew. The urologist had attempted to get involved in her love life so many times, and she would probably want to know all the bedroom details. Even though there weren't really any to speak of. April sent a silent apology to Mathew as she sat down. Jackson gazed intensely at her, and when she met his eyes, he mouthed, "_run." _

"Jackson, you didn't tell me that April had a boyfriend. Then again, you haven't told me anything lately." His mother's tone was disapproving. Jackson rolled his eyes. April sat tensely, not touching her food, in fear of where the conversation would go. Catherine was introducing herself warmly to Matthew. She finally had a boyfriend of April's to fawn over, instead of pestering her about finding one. April had to admit she would have preferred the latter, since she knew the topic of her and Matthew's sex life would eventually come up. Catherine was impossible, and as both the young surgeons knew too well, she had no boundaries. April tried to brace herself for impact.

"So, tell me about yourself." Catherine reached across the table and patted Mathew's hand fondly, an expectant expression on her face.

He cleared his throat and shot a nervous glance at April. "I'm Matthew, uh, Taylor. I'm a paramedic." He trailed off, not being able to think of much else to say at the moment. April watched as Catherine's jaw tightened over the word _"paramedic." _Of course she would react this way. She glanced over at Jackson again, who was clearly trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. He had his elbows on the table, resting his head in his hands. She could practically hear him groaning inwardly. _This was going to be bad. _

"Well, that's….nice. Ever thought about going into medical school? Becoming a surgeon, maybe?" Catherine's tone was light, but clearly judgmental.

"Err…. I mean, yeah, at one point I did. But I eventually decided that being a paramedic, being the first responder, was what I preferred." He looked over at April, a lopsided smile on his face. She tried to smile back, sending an apology with her eyes.

"So, how long have the two of you been dating?" Catherine looked over at April, raising her eyebrows and patting April's hand.

"Four months, now, I believe," April replied. She looked down at her lunch, realizing that she was not in the least bit hungry.

"Oh, wonderful, how have things been going?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively at Matthew. April nudged Catherine's foot slightly, her cheeks getting pink. _Please, no. _Matthew didn't seem to take the hint as he answered,

"Great. Wonderful, actually." He reached across the table and took April's hand, gazing sincerely at her. She half glanced at Jackson. He was staring at their entwined hands. Was that jealousy she saw? She looked at Matthew slightly and went back to focusing on what Catherine was saying.

"No, I mean…in the bedroom. You do know that April hasn't had much experience. You're treating her well, I hope?" April ducked her head, unable to meet Matthew's eyes. He had a shocked expression on his face.

"Mom- seriously. You're not allowed to ask questions like this." Jackson sighed in exasperation, pressing his fingers into his temples. He had no idea how his mother would've known, but it seemed that in light of him moving to New York, his punishment was to hear all the details of April and Matthew's relationship. It made him rather nauseous. His mom had already spent half the day following him around, trying to convince him to stay at Grey Sloan. In and out of surgeries, she stood beside him, constantly pestering and demanding to know what possessed him to leave. He'd explained how amazing the trial was, the opportunities he would have, but his mother heard none of it. In her mind, he was not doing anything even considerably great unless he represented the Harper Avery foundation. Jackson had figured out his mother had found out about him leaving when she'd met Greenway at a conference in Boston. He should have phoned her earlier, just bitten the bullet instead of putting it off; she was furious she even had to hear of it from someone else. But of all her nagging and disapproval, nosing into his sex life, this lunch conversation was definitely the worst and most torturous.

"Oh, baby, I'm just asking. Inquiring about April's health." His mom had a sugary sweet but victorious smile on her face.

"Actually, can we…uh, not talk about that? It's private." April met Matthew's gaze, giving him an apologetic smile. "_I'm sorry," she mouthed. _He raised his eyebrows in confusion. She promised to herself that she'd explain everything about Jackson's crazy mother to him later.

"Alright, honey. Just let me know if you have any…questions." Catherine winked flirtatiously at Matthew. April nodded and took a bite of her sandwich, which stuck in her throat. She untangled her hand from Matt's and placed both of them uncomfortably in her lap. "So, you've heard about how my baby boy's leaving you?"

April choked. She covered her mouth with her hand and grabbed her water to take a sip of. _Leaving her? Why would his mother say that? _She nodded as her eyes watered.

Jackson jumped in. "She knows all about me leaving for New York, mom." He looked over at April, making sure that she was okay. She'd recovered from coughing; taking small sips from a cup. He tried to read her expression, but it was unreadable and she was clearly trying to avoid eye contact with anyone at this point.

"Well, April, honey, do you think that that's a good idea? Because I sure as hell don't." Catherine's tone was disapproving.

April opened her mouth to say something peacekeeping; she was used to helping resolve arguments between Jackson and his mother, but surprised herself instead. "Actually, I do think it's a good idea. Greenway is an impressive surgeon and Jackson will learn a lot. He'll make his own name, which is something he can't do here." She smiled defiantly across the table at Jackson. He turned up the corners of his mouth tightly in her direction.

"Well, why would he need to do that when he's already an Avery? He represents the foundation, for God's sake!" Catherine slammed her hands down on the table in frustration.

"But that's not what he wants to represent. You can't force him to." Jackson looked over at April in surprise. Matthew glanced uncomfortably back and forth between the three surgeons. April met Catherine's gaze with more confidence than she normally would, but she was trembling internally. She knew that Jackson's mother was fond of her- enough to want to get involved in helping her sex life- but she was still nervous how she would react to her words.

Catherine pursed her lips, hand resting on her chin, deep in thought as she stared at April. Jackson had a quizzical look on his face as April met his green-blue eyes. She glanced away quickly; Catherine was still staring at her and she had no clue what the older woman would see in their gazes. She could guess, though. A silence ensued. All April could think about was what Jackson might possibly be thinking. She hoped she'd done him justice, letting his mother hear the truth from somebody besides Jackson himself. She hoped she was helping him.

"You know, sweetie, you could be right. My baby boy does want to make his own name, but he is part of this family, so he needs to accept it." Catherine raised her eyebrows and nodded firmly, a slight pout present on her face. April ducked her head, focusing on her bland sandwich. Jackson's mother didn't sound mad. Cool, but not mad.

"The trial is amazing, though. He'd be helping so many people. Jackson is an amazing surgeon, you just have to give him time to prove it without his family breathing down his neck." April spoke softly, glancing back and forth between her three lunch mates. "I'm sorry, but it's true, Dr. Avery." She felt so sorry for Matthew; he was sitting back in his chair and watching the three surgeons banter back and forth, not being able to say a word.

Catherine sighed. "I suppose you are right. He has the blood and all; the talent is already in him. I don't have to be happy about it, though," she grumbled. Jackson glanced up at his mother in surprise. April was shocked as well. She took a sip of her drink, waiting to see what Catherine would add. "Then again, it'd be pretty hard to stop him. But I am disappointed he's leaving Seattle. I always thought the two of you would get together," she gestured between Jackson and April, "I always thought you guys would work that out at some point."

Jackson sat up straighter, suddenly very tense. April choked on her drink, coughing into her hand and slamming her hand on the table. She could feel her cheeks getting really red. She quickly glanced at Jackson across the table, who widened his eyes at her. _What did his mother know? _

Catherine narrowed her eyes between the two surgeons. The idea clicked. "Are you guys sleeping together? Have you? When?" April froze at Catherine's loud questions. She scanned the cafeteria, though nobody seemed to be taking any interest in their conversation. She avoided looking at Matthew.

"Where-where would you get an idea like that? Geez, Mom." Jackson sounded annoyed and his voice quavered. He refused to look his mother in the eye.

"That- that's just-" April cut herself off by giggling nervously. She intently gazed at the table as she spoke. She couldn't help but continue to laugh nervously, her face getting redder and redder. Jackson planted his head in his hands again. He could tell where this was going.

"I don't believe you two. Wait-when did this happen?" She gasped and glanced at Matthew, who was looking confused, annoyed, and a little hurt. "Does he know?" Jackson wished, for the hundredth time that day that his mother would shut up. All the boundaries had been crossed. There was no going back.

"We are not sleeping together," April clarified. She was mortified, unable to look at poor Matthew.

"But you were…?" Catherine trailed off suggestively, her voice warm with amusement and what could only be perceived as glee.

"Mom, just- just leave it alone." Jackson sighed. He looked across the table at April, who looked so ashamed and embarrassed. The familiar twinge in his stomach had reappeared. All he wanted to do was reach across the table and squeeze her hand, or get up and give her a hug. He was used to comforting her and it was killing him that he couldn't. But he also had to wonder; why she looked so guilty. Was it because they'd slept together and now his mother knew about it? He knew that she felt guilty for betraying Jesus, she'd made that very clear multiple times, but it still hurt him. Maybe she felt guilty because Matthew was sitting there. Jackson and April were only half-listening as Catherine continued to fire questions at them.

"Seriously, April darling, I just want to know the truth. I' sure your boyfriend here does too." April looked up and met Matthew's eyes shamefully. A weighted silence strung between them.

"April…?" She drew a shuddering breath at his hurt voice. This was not the way she wanted him to find out about her sleeping with Jackson, about her not being a virgin. She hadn't wanted him to find out at all. As she opened her mouth to give him an answer, her pager started beeping. One of her patients was coding. She stood up abruptly, knocking the table, which made the trays rattle.

"I…uh, I've got to go. Ummm, can I talk to you later?" She looked down hopefully at Matthew, trying not to flinch at his wounded expression. She gave a quick wave to Jackson and Catherine, before speed- walking out of the cafeteria. She barely made it out before the tears of shame and guilt and embarrassment started running down her face.

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Despite the loud chatter surrounding them, the lunch table was eerily quiet to Jackson. Matthew had excused himself a few minutes after April at left. His mom had said she'd been pleased to meet him, and Matthew replied after a pause that he was too. Jackson doubted it. No sensible person enjoyed a lunch hour interrogation with his mother. In all honesty, even if he was incredibly jealous of him, he felt sorry for the guy.

It was now just Jackson and his mother at the table. He could tell she was waiting for him to say something, but he could only continue to stare intently at the table, practically boring holes into it. He was determined to not say another word to her. Of course she had figured out that April and him had been sleeping together. He was furious that she hadn't kept it to herself, though, prying and pressing to get information in front of Matthew. Jackson was almost positive from the look on April's face that she hadn't told Matthew about her previous relationship with him. His mother clearly made April upset. He hadn't seen her that upset in a while. His anger was swelling inside of him as he thought about how his mother always managed to get so involved in his personal life. There was a reason he avoided introducing his girlfriends to her. It was none of her damn business, but she made sure that it was.

"Look, baby, I'm sorry, but I just had to know. When did the two of you sleep together? You can tell me. How serious were you?" Her tone was still prying, but gentler than before. Jackson didn't move from his position or shift his focus. He thought about April's tense shoulders as she left the cafeteria. She was likely not going to want to spend much more time with him anymore. He would greatly miss that. They'd just gotten to a good stage, a comfortable one, and his few hours with her were the highlight of his week.

"Come on, tell your mother…I care about April too, you know." His mother was practically cooing. He just wanted her to leave, get on a plane and fly to the other side of the country, and he wouldn't have to see her anymore. Jackson was grateful to April for telling his mother exactly how he felt about his family name, because at least she'd found something else to pester him about besides him leaving for New York. Not that her probing questions were any better.

"You wouldn't have said all that in front of your boyfriend if you did care." His tone was icy as he glanced darkly up at her.

"Yeah, well, you know me. I have to know. I can't keep anything to myself." She shrugged as Jackson shook his head slightly.

"Look, Mom, I don't want to talk about it. No matter what, there are just some things you don't get to know about my life, because they're none of your business. I get to make my own decisions for myself as well, without your input. I'm going to New York whether or not you or any other member of our family likes it, and what happens in my love life, who I sleep with is none of your concern, alright?" Jackson's tone was firm; he was not going to back down any longer. His mother constantly pushed all boundaries and he was tired of the control she had over his life. He stared at her sullenly, not looking away, as she gave him a half-amused smirk. He didn't necessarily feel any better, any less frustrated, but it felt good to get his thoughts out there. His mom wasn't saying anything, and he guessed she was waiting for him to backtrack or confess a sinful secret. Just as he was about to add something for good measure, his pager went off. He glanced down as the shrill sound rang out. He was needed in the pit. Standing up, Jackson looked at his mother, who still remained strangely silent. It was truly a rare occasion.

"Look, I'm needed in the pit, so look- just don't come looking for me in surgery or whatever. And don't go looking for April either. God knows that we've caused her enough trouble already. Don't you have other people to say, maybe Webber?" Jackson pushed in his chair with his hip as he pulled on his lab coat. His mother put her hand on his forearm and he looked down.

"If there's any resolved business between you and April, you need to say something. Don't just let go of her. Letting go of things- people when you needed them is the thing you'll regret the most." She wasn't looking at Jackson as she spoke, her voice soft and her eyes far away, as though she was thinking of another time and place. Jackson paused slightly.

"W-why did you think we would be good together?" He asked as casually as possible.

His mother planted her chin on top of her fist. "The way you look at her, sweetie." She smiled softly, a lingering look still present in her eyes.

"Okay," he said simply. "I have to go." He turned around, and as he walked away, his mother called after him, "Have a good day, baby! I still don't think New York is a good decision." Jackson winced at how loud she shouted; so many people at Grey Sloan were already under the impression that he was simply his mother's puppet, and she certainly didn't help matters. He rolled his eyes on the way to the ER. His head was spinning with the recent strung-out awkward silences between him and April, April's strong words to his mother, and the fact that, for once, his mother might have actually given him sound advice. Not that he necessarily knew whether or not he wanted to follow it, or how to, for that matter. It had been the oddest lunch ever.

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April stood stiffly in the hospital's entrance lobby, her eyes closed and her phone pressed to her ear. With every shrill ring that passed, the tumultuous ball of emotions in her stomach clenched. She was the only one in the room, which was odd; normally the entrance had at least a few anxious family members waiting for news. She hadn't even bothered to take off her scrub cap after surgery.

"Hello?" Matthew's voice ended the dialing rings, though the feeling in her stomach did not.

"Matthew." She sighed in both relief that he had picked up, and nervousness. She owed him a full explanation. When she'd fled the cafeteria in humiliation, caught up in her web of lies, shed ended up rushing patients into the OR for complex surgeries with no breaks in between. It was late at night, almost 11 P.M, and she hadn't seen Matthew since lunch. She took a deep breath, desperately trying to form the words of her explanation.

"April…" Matthew trailed off questioningly, a strong note of hurt laced through his voice. He was so kind, so gentle. Tears started welling up in April's eyes in frustration of all the ways she would hurt him, the ways she'd lied to him.

"Look, Matthew, I feel like I really need to explain what happened at lunch. I…uh, have been lying to you. I'm so sorry." A ball formed in her throat and she forced herself to swallow it down as she waited for his response. A million possibilities were running through April's mind as she fumbled to figure out how to explain.

"So, it's true?" Matthew asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, It is, it's uh, true. And I-I'm so sorry Matthew, I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't know how to bring it up. Jackson-he-he was my best friend. And then something happened, we-uh slept together. I wanted to wait, though. What I told you- about saving myself for marriage. That's what I wanted. But I didn't. I've been, well, regretting that choice I made to sleep with him. So, that night, when you told me you were saving yourself for marriage, I guess, I don't know, I was so relieved that you thought that way; I just said that I was too. Saving myself for marriage." She sighed heavily, glancing out the main doors at the rainy night. The downpour was thick, causing the air to look grey. April wrapped her arm around herself and sat down in a nearby chair.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Matthew still sounded so hurt and confused.

"I don't know. I just- everything that happened between Jackson and I was all in the past. Once I told you I was saving myself for marriage I didn't know how to go back and bring it up again. I-I just feel so bad. I never should've lied." She bowed her head even though she was alone. Everything seemed so dark and grey and lonely. There was really nobody around. _How did I manage to end up here, _she wondered. There was silence on the other end of the phone; the only two sounds April could hear were the random crackle as Matthew breathed and the fall of the rain. "Look, I really wish I could forget about it all. But it's done and I'm not who you thought I was, I understand if you want to break up with-"

"What are you talking about April? I just wanted to know what happened. Why you didn't tell me. I just want to know you won't lie to me anymore." Matthew sounded sincere, and the hurt no longer resided heavily in his voice.

April took a deep breath as relief slowly started to trickle through her. "Well, uh, you know now. And thank you so much. Honestly, I never meant to hurt you."

"Okay, so no other secrets I need to know about?" He asked tentatively.

She smiled a little as she looked down into her lap. "No, none," she stated firmly. It was strange; she still felt like she was still hiding something, but now that the truth was out in the open, she couldn't put her finger on exactly what.

"Well, good. Just don't lie again, okay?" She could hear the slight relief as he spoke. He sounded happier.

"Okay." She paused for a second and glanced around as a nurse rushed past. "I'd maybe like to see you soon? Is…is that okay? How about tomorrow?" April inquired hopefully. Her heart was beating fast. She was getting her chance back, to make things right, exactly how she wanted them. She ignored the voice whispering in the back of her head.

"You know, I would, but I'm working from Seattle Presbyterian all week from 5 AM. And I know you work late and have to study for your boards. How about sometime on the weekend?"

"Yeah, of course. We could go to a movie or out for dinner. I have to leave on Monday for my boards, so it'll be great to see you before I leave," she explained.

"Maybe it's best that we wait until then. You know, get sometime apart and start fresh?" Matthew asked.

"Sure. Anyways, I should probably head home now, so…." She trailed off, hoping he would add something.

"Okay. See you on the weekend? Be careful driving home." He added. April agreed and thanked him before hanging up. She stared ahead, out of the doors, the thick sheet of rain not letting up, and allowed herself a small smile. She'd gotten a second chance with Matthew. She'd thought she'd blown it after all her lies had been revealed, but he'd taken her back. It had to mean something. Something big- or at least she tried to convince herself. She shook herself of the creeping of longing for someone else. She needed to fully move on, love the man who had over looked her flaws and forgiven her. He was her path, he was the closest thing to the road she had planned for herself in life. But she was still trying to convince herself to move on. It was something she was still wondering if she wanted to. Even though her and Matthew were now taking a small break, she thought that once her secrets were told, she'd feel more confident in their relationship, if it still existed. It did, and yet, she still didn't feel any less guilty, and the weight pressing down on her seemed even heavier.

"Hey." So lost was April in her thoughts, she hadn't even noticed someone had walked over. She glanced up, and realizing it was Jackson standing tensely in front of her, averted her eyes.

"Uhhh….hi." Silence ensued as Jackson sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened with my mom. I still can't believe she figured it out." He gave a small, airy laugh as he spoke, looking down at the top of her head, hoping that she would at least look up. He suppressed a smile as she hesitantly did.

"It's okay. It's not your fault. I know that your mom's sort of crazy." She adjusted herself as he sat down beside her. He was in his street clothes and a waterproof jacket, about to head home. "I'm sorry I left you to be interrogated alone," she added.

Jackson smiled, and April dug her fingernails into her palm as to not get lost in his eyes. "It's cool. It actually wasn't that bad. You standing up for me about New York really shocked her. People don't normally speak up around her, so I want to thank you. You saved me from an incredibly torturous afternoon."

She looked over at him, and raised her eyebrows with a closed mouth smile. "Least I could do. I figured you needed some help out of that hole."

"That's true." He laughed slightly and looked ahead outside at the rain as he spoke. "So…you and Matthew?"

April nodded slightly. "We're – we're good. We're taking a break from each other because of work, but still, we're together. Probably best to get the truth anyways." She shrugged, not meeting his eyes as they both stared at the glass doors of the hospital entrance.

"Speaking of work, you have your boards in a week, and need to study." He jabbed is finger into her shoulder before rummaging through his bag and pulling out a stack of queue cards held together with an elastic band. "We can do that now. If you want to, I mean" he hastily added.

She looked over, a confused expression on her face. "But you need to go home. I do too."

He waved his hand. "I need to be here early anyways. I can sleep in an on call room for a couple of hours. You being prepared for the most important surgical exam is more crucial than sleep." She gave him an exasperated look, though he sounded very firm about his decision. "Seriously, though, come on." He handed the stack of cards to her.

She sighed and grinned at him. "Oh, alright. But not here. It's really quiet. Too quiet, actually." Jackson nodded in agreement as April stood up and pulled off her scrub cap.

"Let's go find a nurses' station or something." They fell into an easy pace, discussing their day's consults and cases as they walked back up to the surgical floor. April loved how familiar being with him was. Even if their conversations started tense and awkward, they always managed to fall into a steady rhythm. She could talk to him for ours. They got each other. She had to admit, she had been wrong when she'd told Matthew that she wanted to forget about her and Jackson. His laugh, his hand gestures; the little things she secretly savored and tucked away. The big things that she lay awake thinking about; memories of sensations and feelings that haunted her night after night. They were impossible to forget.

**xxxxxxxxxxxx**

_*****Oh, that took a really long time! Thanks for reading and sticking with this story. Next chapter will feature April's boards and how Jackson supports her. The next episode is sort of where the Japril snowball really starts rolling. Hopefully it'll be up by Friday, since I'm already almost finished writing it. ******_


	7. Chapter 7

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 7

_*****As always, thanks for reviews! I always say this, but I'll try to update more often. I feel like it'll be easier now, though, since I need something to get me through the four and a half month hiatus. I'm still blown away by the finale. I'm definitely still crying over Richard Webber and Calzona and Crowen. But the Jolex kiss was super cute and I loved April's confession to Jackson. I think Sarah Drew did an amazing job. I was entirely expecting that Jackson would be critically injured and dying, and we would see April sobbing by his bedside and begging him to live, so I wasn't a traumatized by that finale as I thought I would be. So, a sort of sigh of relief. *****_

Chapter 7

April slumped back and took a deep breath as the bus started up, jostling the passengers as it headed out of the station. She gripped the edge of her seat to distract herself from her stomach's constant clenching from nerves. Pressing her head to the winder, she stared out at the grey highway flashing past. Even though the boards weren't until the next day, she'd decided to catch an early morning bus, giving time to settle into her hotel room and spend a few hours prepping. She'd hoped she'd be able to calm herself down beforehand, but she could already tell that that was going to be a lost cause. She forced herself to breath slowly, closing her eyes

The three-hour ride to Portland passed by in a flash. April stared at the cloudy sky and bland scenery. She didn't bothering taking her queue cards out to study or listen to her iPod, instead making scars in the palm of her hands from clenching them too tightly. She was too distracted to study anyways, and spent most of the time pushing away memories of last year's boards.

xxx

"Dr. Avery, can we reschedule your cleft palate surgery for 2:30?" Jackson looked up from the blurred words of the hospital document in need of his signature. He squinted his eyes at the nervous chief resident standing in front of him, trying to think of what she'd just said. The fifth year was clenching her clipboard, her blond hair pulled into a high ponytail.

"I'm sorry, what?" Jackson tipped his head. She re-stated her question. He'd been rather distracted all day, thinking about April and how nervous she would be tonight, the night before her boards. He wanted to phone her, wish her luck, but he knew that would be awkward for both of them judging by what had happened last year, and he wouldn't know what to say. He was worried for her, though, knowing that she would stress herself out, to the point of tears. He was confident that she would do wonderfully, though. She was ready; she knew the answers word for word. She'd blossomed into a confident and headstrong surgeon. Plus, this time he wasn't there to distract her like last time.

That was all he could think about: last time. The way her lips had met his and she'd wrapped her arms tightly around him, her hands on his back. How an electric current had run through his body, one so shocking that he'd never felt anything like that before. She'd been amazing, how she'd gripped him passionately, as if she had more experience than she did. He remembered guiding her through the things she didn't know how to do, making sure she was okay. He recalled being so sure with her beneath him. Sometime since then it had occurred to him that he wouldn't have been able to let anybody else take her virginity. It had always been him. It had always been the two of them. He wondered how he was going to be able to let her go; let go of the constant feeling, knowing she was near, what it would be like when he left. What it would be like for him, but also for her. _Would she think about him? Would she miss him? _

xxx

April ran a hand through her ponytail and gritted her teeth as she paced back and forth on the carpeted floor. She was just outside the entrance to the hallway where the residents would wait to be called into rooms to take their exams. The boards were taking place in the same hotel where she was staying. She'd gotten into bed early, hoping for a good night of sleep, but the feeling of panic rising in her stomach had kept her tossing and turning. She had left the curtains open in the hotel room, a view of Portland's skyline the backdrop to her thoughts. In the minutes where she would feel sleep falling over her, she'd think she could feel a soft breath on her neck, lips caressing her collarbones, a hand clasped in hers, and she would jolt awake again. She tossed and turned, molded the pillows into different shapes, desperately attempting to get Jackson out of her mind. After many hours of frustration, constantly reminding herself of the major oral exam she needed to take for the second time the next morning, she managed to slip into a restless sleep. It was ironic how similar her thoughts were to last year. Consumed with Jackson and the way he made her feel. Except this time she was wondering why exactly she hadn't asked him to stay the night the previous year.

April adjusted her navy blue blazer and pant set with fumbling fingers. Taking a deep breath, she rounded the corner, wobbling in her high heels. If only she would be able to take her boards in scrubs and sneakers. She would be so much more comfortable and feel in a familiar setting instead of swearing in her suit and trying not to panic in a stuffy hotel room. Taking a seat on a chair against the wall, April waited for her name to be called. She stared at the shoes of the other soon-to-be attendings as they walked shakily down the hall. She felt someone brush her sleeve and looked up to see a tall blond guy sitting down beside her. He smiled at her nervously.

"Good luck," his voice shook. She smiled and wished him well. April was suddenly brought back to last year, as Jackson had sat beside her and she had been unable to look at him. The guilt that had been eating her up over breaking her promise had been impossible, and it had taken over every ounce of nerves. She remembered the stunned expression on his face. The carpet on the floor was making her feel sick, she was so nervous, and yet all she could think about was the expression on Jackson's face in the exact same scenario a year before. All his usual expressions flitted through her mind; the adorable smirk, the smile he used to assure patients, the way he looked at her, but she specifically remembered the look on his face right before the boards. He had looked so shocked and hurt. That face had become a common reoccurrence over the past year, and April was left wondering how often her words had caused that expression. _How much did I hurt him?_

She started as the door opened next to her and a man in a black suit called her name. She stood up and straightening her hair, took a deep breath. These were her boards, and she needed to crush them. That was the only thing she could concentrate on. She introduced herself confidently to the examiner and walked into the room.

xxx

"Alright, Dr. Kepner, this is the end of your first session. You have a twenty minute break until we continue with your second." The stern faced grey haired examiner gave her a dismissive nod before closing the file on her lap. April nodded weakly. She stood up and walked uncertainly to the door. The doorknob rattled as she attempted to open it with shaky hands. She barely made it out of the room before the anxiety clawed up her throat and tears filled her eyes. She stumbled in her heels to the washroom, gasping deeply.

April had been a mess during the first session. She was well aware of the fact, having spent a good deal of time repeating phrases nervously, correcting herself, and trailing off in the middle of sentences. Her voice had kept shaking and she kept having to swallow, which made her throat sore and dry. And now, sitting in the bathroom stall on the lid of the toilet, head in her hands, she was close to a full-blown panic attack. Small sobs escaped her as she cried into her hands. It most definitely felt worse than last year. Last year, she'd had so much to lose, and she'd lost it all. Everything she had promised herself, everything that had seemed certain had been swallowed in less than twenty-four hours. And now, she was getting a second chance, when she had nothing left to lose anymore, but it felt like she was falling past rock bottom. The boards examiners probably thought she was insane, again, and the amount of mistakes she'd probably made were astronomical.

Tears leaked over the side of her hands as she listened to the conversations of the other female surgeons from the bathroom stall. From their voices, she could tell that most had somebody they knew with them, and they were all discussing their boards so far. April could hear a few comforting and encouraging each other, and she wished that she had that too. Yet, because she was with the residents a year behind her and sitting with her head in her hands in a bathroom stall, she had no one. All she could think about was how much she needed a friend, a comforting hand, and a few reassuring words. The panic continued to rise inside of her. She hadn't even thought the amount of nerves she currently possessed was possibly attainable, but the ever-present nausea made it very real. Alone. She felt so alone, so trapped.

With shaking fingers, she drew her phone out from her pocket and quickly dialed his number. He was the only person who could help her through this. Despite what happened last year in a bathroom stall similar to the one she was currently sitting in, the unresolved tension between them, and her feelings for him she suppressed, she knew he would know exactly what to say. He always did, it seemed. Wiping tears from her cheeks, she pressed her phone to her hear and anxiously waited for him to pick up.

xxx

Jackson was in the middle of a long and torturous board meeting when his cellphone rang. He, Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Callie, and Arizona were discussing what needed funding. Or rather; disagreeing. After hours of debating, stressing the topic too far while weighing their options, they still hadn't come to a conclusion. He looked at the caller ID, and realizing it was April, took the excuse to leave gladly. His breath caught and his heart skipped a beat as he answered his phone, closing the door to the boardroom behind him as he walked out.

"April?" He answered questioningly. She was supposed to be in the middle of her boards. _Why the hell is she calling me? _

"Jackson." He could hear the relief in her voice.

"Hey, what's going on? You're supposed to be taking your boards, not making phone calls to your fellow surgeons." He tried to keep his tone light.

"I am, I – uh, it's the break after first session. Jackson, I don't know what to do. The first session- it-it was just so awful. I kept messing up answers and stuttering and I know the examiners think I'm either a complete idiot or crazy," she sobbed into the phone. He hated how desperate she sounded. She had started to babble, which was something she only did when nervous or scared. Her voice had only been slightly quavering when she started talking, but had quickly cracked. Something clenched in Jackson's stomach as he imagined what the expression on her face must be like. He wished he were there; simply to comfort her, stroke her hair, tell her everything was going to be okay.

"Hey-hey, it's alright. It really can't be that bad. You know your stuff. I know you know it," he reassured her.

"I know I do, but I just can't talk properly and my head feels fuzzy, and nobody wants somebody like that to be their doctor. I'm pretty sure I'm failing again," she sighed heavily, distress strung out in every word she was saying. "I just don't know what to do," she added softly.

"Yes, you do. Trust me, you're an awesome surgeon and an amazing doctor. All you have to do is show them that. You know everything, all the cases, all the surgeries. Just pretend like you're back here at the hospital and in the OR. You _do _know what you're doing." He spoke truthfully and sincerely, and he hoped she understood that.

"What if I don't pass, though?" She whispered desperately. All of the other doctors seemed to have left the washroom, which meant the second session would start again soon. April's stomach lurched painfully at the thought.

"You will," Jackson stated confidently. Even though April didn't generally do well in an interview setting, he knew she would be fine. Or at least he hoped. He hoped the examiners would see what he saw about her at work; the amazing doctor, the committed and focused surgeon, the compassionate person.

"But how do you know?" April stood up, shuffling back and forth in the small space on her high heels, an arm wrapped protectively over her stomach.

"I just know. I didn't spend all those hours studying with you for nothing. You know it and you can do it. So pull yourself together, or I might just kick your ass otherwise. I promise it'll be okay. So go get yourself some water to stay hydrated, get back in that room, and crush them. Okay?" He kept his voice positive, yet reassuring and gentle. She really just needed a push to get her back up.

"Okay." She gave the stall door a weak smile. She did feel a little better. Not much, but enough that returning to the exam was slightly more bearable. And look – I'll be waiting at Joe's with as many drinks as you want when you pass," he added. "And I know you're probably standing in a bathroom stall, so get out there and finish the boards."

"Okay," April sighed heavily. "I should go now, though." She slid the lock of the door open, taking a deep breath. She felt more confident with the knowledge of Jackson's fate in her. She was glad that nothing was awkward about their unexpected phone conversation. And she was really looking forward to those drinks, even if they weren't currently the first thing on her mind.

"Good idea. And April?" He paused slightly, before grinning as he remembered her mantra from last year.

"Yeah?"

"You're a soldier."

April stopped halfway to the sinks as she recalled the last time she had said those words. "I will be," she said, nodding to her reflection in the mirror, a determined look in her eyes. "Thank you Jackson," she added sincerely before hanging up.

She set her phone down and straightened her blazer. _I can do this, _she thought as she fixed her ponytail and wiped away mascara smudges. _I'm a soldier._

xxx

As soon as April hung up, Jackson swung around and rushed back into the boardroom. He knew what he wanted to do. What he needed to do. The other five were bantering back and forth as he cleared his throat, hastily throwing all his files into a bag.

"Sorry guys, I got called into something. It's an emergency."

"But what about-" Meredith began, but Jackson cut her off.

"You guys can figure it out. My vote is with the majority. I trust you guys with whatever conclusion you come to." He nodded over his shoulder as he rushed out the door again.

In less than five minutes, he was dressed in street clothes and climbing into his car. It only took him another few minutes to get on the highway, in the direction of Portland. Jackson knew his decision was rash and unexpected, he had even surprised himself, but he also knew it was the right one. April would be done with her boards by the time he got there, and she could hold her own, but she would need all the support and comfort she could get in waiting for her results. She had been a mess and she would need somebody after. He wanted to be the arms she was in. The woman he loved needed help, and he would offer it to her however he could.

xxx

_*****So there y'all have it. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it, and I should have an update up this weekend. I'm already finished typing it, I just have to edit it. I'm actually super excited about the next two chapters; they turned out even better than planned and I will say that Jackson and April have a conversation that I so wish they'd do something like it on the show. It's been a long time coming. I'm guessing there's going to be around 3 more chapters, but it might possibly work out to one or two more. Thanks for sticking around. I've also started planning an AU Japril fic, which I'm super excited about, as well as well as one regarding a baby for them (which chronicles from the start of the pregnancy up until after the birth,) but more on those later. **_

_**I should probably go now, since I'm in the crew for my school's play and tech notes discussion started twenty minutes ago. **_

_**Reviews would be great! Thanks! *****_


	8. Chapter 8

All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 8

_*****So here's the next chapter, as promised, on time. (For once…he he he.) Hopefully I can keep this up. Anyways, I really hope you guys like this chapter; I spend a lot of time trying to get a specific conversation right. I think you'll know which one it is. Next update could be either on Tuesday or Thursday next week. Please review! *****_

A calm, cool breeze ruffled through the June air as April walked out of the hotel doors. The boards were over. Miraculously, they had gone much better than expected for the second and third sessions. April's active nerves had diminished to a flutter in her stomach. She had stopped stuttering and swallowing. Perhaps she had really just needed a push, the knowledge that somebody believed in her to through the most intense exam of her life.

She was no longer thinking about the boards, though. Her mind was buzzing heavily from her phone conversation with Jackson. She knew that he had been only comforting her as a friend, but she secretly was hoping for something more. She looked around the parking lot, trying to decide on a place to eat within walking distance. April stopped in her tracks as she noticed a person leaning against his car a few feet away. _What is he doing here? _She thought as her heart started beating uncommonly fast.

xxx

Jackson looked up from his phone to see the approaching red head. He watched as she stopped and looked at him, an expression of both confusion and joy playing across her face. After the fastest drive to Portland, in which he was surprised he hadn't gotten pulled over, he'd spent a good deal of time preparing to explain why he was there, but he forgot all of it the split second he saw her. She made him breathless.

April looked stunning in her navy blue blazer and pant set. It was professional, but made her look sexy, as it hugged in all the right places. His heart was thudding as he waved, smiling. A grin broke out across her face as she kicked off her shoes and rushed towards him. Jackson had to admit that he was surprised by her reaction, but nevertheless, he was also overjoyed. He instinctively took a few steps towards her and opened his arms. April collided into him, and he threw his arms around her, hugging tightly, as she did the same. He heard her sigh slightly, and a jolt of unknown origins went through him. The stayed like that, arms around each other, embracing tightly in the middle of the hotel parking lot. Jackson placed his chin on top of her head and breathed in her familiar scent. He could feel her body pressed against him, and thought he was feeling slightly aroused, he mostly only felt a tingling feeling of how right this was.

"Hey," he said softly, after a minute of holding her tightly. "You okay?"

She only nodded slightly against his chest.

"Umm…can I have a little bit of room to breathe?" He joked, but immediately regretted his words as she stepped away, looking up at his hesitantly.

"Sorry, it's just-well, I guess I'm relieved to see a familiar face." She admitted in exasperation, though still sighing in relief. "What are you doing here, anyways?" she added, blushing slightly.

Jackson led her over to his car, and she leaned against it. "I don't know exactly," he said slowly, trying to figure out how he was going to explain him showing up without revealing the entire real reason. "I just thought, cause you seemed so stressed, you might need a friend. For after, I mean. Someone to reassure you. I wasn't doing anything incredibly important anyways. Plus, you probably need that drink, or multiple drinks, I guess." He laughed nervously as April gave him a knowing look with raised eyebrows.

"Well, thank you," she sighed. "And thanks for talking me down earlier. It helped a lot, actually," she smiled up at him. He was standing in front of her, hands in his pockets, shifting back and forth awkwardly.

"No problem. Helped get me out of the most boring conference. How did the rest of the boards go?"

She shrugged. "Better. A lot better, actually. You had my back in there, though, so thank you. I guess I just needed to know that somebody believed in me."

"You know, I'm not the only one. I don't know, how you've managed to spend so much time doubting how amazing of a doctor you are. Ask anybody at the hospital, they'll all tell you the same thing. You're great." He held her gaze for a moment, making sure she knew he was being honest. He needed to get that across, make sure she got it. She nodded and smiled, though she still looked a little doubtful. They both dropped their gazes and Jackson traced circles on the pavement with his shoes.

April glanced over at her abandoned high heels lying a few feet away. "I'll be right back." Jackson nodded his head in acknowledgment and watched her receding, then returning figure; admiring the way she now held herself. She looked more confident.

"What?" April stopped a few feet in front of him, giving him a puzzled look.

"Uh…" He shook his head and blinked his few times. He didn't want to admit that he'd been staring, and looked down again awkwardly. "What do you say we take that as-many-drinks-as-you-want deal now?"

He was relieved to see her grin. "I'd love that."

xxx

"I'm telling you, you did fine. You passed." Jackson took April's phone out of her hands and set it down on the table. He had just come back from the bar with their third round of drinks. They were sitting in a small booth at the back of a small bar in downtown Portland. It was plain, but seemed to have good food. There were vintage posters of pin-up girls and men in muscle shirts scattered on the wall. It luckily wasn't too crowded. They had driven straight from the boards hotel, though left time for her to pack her suitcase and put it in his car. Sitting down, there had been awkward small talk, but they had relapsed into comfortable conversation as always.

"Maybe I didn't pass though. They probably hate me." April slumped back in the booth, a frown on her face. Jackson rolled his eyes.

"The results will be up in half an hour, and there's no use stressing about it until then. You will be fine." He reached across the table and touched her hand. He felt her jump at the touch, and an electric-like shock ran through his arm. April moved her hand out from under his to grab her drink. They both stared at the table.

"If you say so," she said quietly.

Jackson reached for his drink as well, grimacing as he downed it in three gulps. He wasn't a lightweight, but it was strong. He wasn't exactly sure what his sleep accommodations for the night were to be, and driving wasn't an option if they kept drinking as they were. He knew April was planning on taking the bus back, but it had already gotten pretty late. He was hesitant to bring the topic up, though, judging by what had happened in a hotel room between the two of them last year. Jackson looked up and realized that April was looking at him. Her gaze seemed distant, though she was looking at him. There was a certain look of sadness present in her eyes.

"What?" He asked

"Uh….well, it's just that lately I've been thinking about Reed and Charles. I don't know, I guess I've just been wondering what it'd be like if they were still alive. I just keep thinking about what they'd say now, and who they'd be dating or whatever. Sometimes I even wonder what kind of surgeons they would be," she shrugged, a tender expression on her face.

Jackson was surprised; they almost never talked about their dead best friends. After the shooting, him and April had become so much closer as they navigated the hospital and made new friends, the two of them standing at two nearly identical funerals, speaking kind words but feeling numb inside. But after a few months, the topic of Reed Adamson and Charles Percy had become an almost forbidden one, one that was locked up, too painful to bring up. Jackson and April had both accepted that it was only the two of them against the world, and that's the way it had stayed for more than three years. They sat in silence, trying to find what to say, of all the things that had left been unsaid about their friends.

"Well," Jackson said lightly, "Reed-" he cut himself off. It was strange to say her name. "Reed would've probably become a pediatric surgeon. Or maybe a neonatal surgeon. She was always pretty great with kids, even if she wasn't to everybody else. Exactly like Karev, actually."

April laughed lightly. "You know, you're right. And she was like Karev. I could never tell whether or not she had a thing for him. I was her best friend, but she refused to admit it, even to me." She tipped her head back, draining the last of her whisky.

"Would've broken Charles' heart if she did," Jackson added.

"He would've seriously injured Karev. As in, he would've been in such bad shape that-" April shook her head. "But Charles, I could never tell what type of surgeon he would've become. He was always changing his mind." She looked over at Jackson. "Then again, I didn't know that I wanted to be in trauma until fourth year."

Jackson sighed and laughed as he remembered their trauma training, and how she'd discovered her love for trauma. "I could never tell either. I think he would've been good for ortho, though. He always liked it. Plus, I think him and Torres would've made a pretty good team."

April tipped her head to the side as she thought about it. "Yeah, they would've, actually. He was always really interested in neuro, though."

"I don't think that would've worked out. Plus, him and Shepherd working together? They would've hated each other." Jackson shrugged his shoulders and April rolled her eyes in agreement.

"I miss them. After the – uh, well, after they died, I kept expecting them to be there. You know, charting at the nurses' station, or starting an IV in the next room. I just kept thinking about them as if they were still there, though they weren't. Sometimes I still that, though. Not as often, but occasionally. I still think they're here. And then it just hits me all over again." April wasn't entirely sure what had possessed her to bring up Reed and Charles, though she was guessing the three hard drinks shed had and her remaining nerves over the boards were to blame. She held Jackson's gaze, playing with the glass in her hand as she waited for him to respond.

He didn't respond, just held her gaze and looked into her warm brown eyes. He was recalling the week they'd spent cleaning out the two apartments, his and Charles, hers and Reed's. He remembered feeling so helpless and completely oblivious to everything as he packed up box after box of clothes and DVDs and medical textbooks, Charles' collection of comics that he'd bee so proud of. He remembered April crying on the floor of Reed's bathroom, sorting through a box of nail polish and make up. He'd been there to help her, had sat down on the floor and rubbed her shoulder comfortingly as he could until she pulled herself together. They'd somehow managed to get through those few weeks, handed over the boxes to two stunned sets of parents, not wanting to meet their eyes, aware of the fat that they should've died too.

It had been the day after Reed's funeral that Meredith had stopped the two of them in the hallway of the hospital and asked if they wanted to move in. Both had automatically agreed, since taking the quiet of a half empty apartment had become unbearable. After that, Jackson never remembered April or anybody else mentioning their two friends. It was as if a door had been closed, and what lay behind it was an unexplored topic – until now.

"I –" Jackson broke the long silence, but stopped talking. He didn't have any words to say. "I guess I do, too. I miss them, I mean. You're right, I get that too sometimes. I think they'll be there, but they're not."

April nodded and reached towards her phone. Jackson looked down at her shaking figures. "My results will be in by now." She stood up and paced back and forth in front of the table. "Come on, come on…." She muttered.

"Look, April, you did fine, just come sit down instead of pressing the refresh-" He was cut off by the look of disbelief that appeared on her face. It quickly changed to joy as she looked up from the screen and at him.

"I passed." She breathed a sigh of relief.

He got up from the booth to stand in front of her. "See, I was right! I knew you would be fine." He smiled openly; he really was happy for her.

"I passed! Oh my god, I passed!" She yelled loudly, closing the gap between the two of them and putting her hands on his forearms. There was a certain sense of energetic relief in her smile.

"You did. 'Cause you're a soldi-" April suddenly leaned forward and cut Jackson off by kissing him. She was standing on her tiptoes, head tipped up. Her soft lips were crushed against his, and his arms instinctively moved to wrap around her waist, a sharp tingling running through his entire body. The smell of her, the way her hips felt pressed against his made him feel intoxicated. Any thoughts of how unexpected the kiss was, of how they were not supposed to be doing this were far from Jackson's mind.

All too soon, she was pulling away, and he was unceremoniously jolted back to the present. He realized that it had only been a few seconds, though the few blissful moments had felt much longer. He looked down at April as he tried to catch his breath. All from a single, short kiss, and he was left stunned. She stood frozen in front of him, her eyes down cast as her face grew red, a look of shame and embarrassment spread across her face.

The beginnings and ends of thoughts swirled around inside of April's head as she tried to find the words to explain to Jackson why she'd kissed him. The truth was she really didn't know. She would've liked to think it was because of the alcohol, but the truth was he had been standing there, and then she was kissing him and it had felt better than anything she'd done in the past six months. She'd felt electrified, but a sense of desperation and passion had become present as she'd come to her senses and started to pull away. Jackson had dropped his arms from around her, and she resisted the urge to reach down and pull them around her once more. The only phrase her fuzzy brain was able to process was something they'd said quite a bit while together. _"Something that feels this good can't be bad, right?" _April stared at the ground as she desperately tried to rid the circling words from her head.

The two stood in front of the booth as calm chatter and groups of people clinking glasses surrounded them. They were still standing so close; April could feel Jackson's hot breath on her cheek as she stared intently at the wooden floorboards. It felt as if time was frozen. Jackson was looking down at her, a look of desire even he was aware of present in his eyes, though it was mixed with tenderness and confusion. Silence hung suspended between them. Neither wanted to break it. Neither had anything to say.

"I, uh…" April looked up, not meeting his gaze, attempting to explain, but no words came. She was about to try again, but was interrupted by her phone ringing. She grabbed it from the table and a sensation of guilt rushed through her. The caller ID read Matthew, who was probably calling to ask how her boards had gone. She knew he was also checking to make sure she had gotten home alright, since she was supposed to be back in Seattle by now. How could she have forgotten to call him? She'd promised to as soon as her boards were done. After meeting Jackson, she'd been swept up in a bubble where everything else had been forgotten. The reality that she'd kissed him, basically cheating on Matthew, hit her. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she stared blankly at the phone screen. Taking a deep breath, she looked at Jackson. "I'll be right back," she said quietly, hoping he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Of all that had happened between them, April knew she'd spent too much time blaming him and letting him feel guilty, and she didn't want to do that again. She made her way over to the entrance of the bar and pressed the receive call button.

"Hey." She hoped her voice wasn't shaking.

"April! How did your boards go?" Matthew's voice crackled on the other end of the phone line.

She sighed inwardly. "Great, actually. I passed, so I guess I'm now a full attending."

"Awesome! I knew you would pass. We should plan a time to celebrate."

"Yeah, definitely," she laughed nervously, guilt rising in her rapidly.

"Are you at Joe's now? I can head over if you are."

April realized he could probably hear the voices and clink of glasses in the background. "Uh, no, actually…I'm still in Portland. It was getting late and I wanted to get something to eat first, so I thought I'd stay overnight again. The hotel still had extra rooms anyways." She spoke quickly, hoping he wouldn't realize she was lying. She was pretty bad at it, and normally people could tell how untruthful she was being. She wasn't exactly sure where she was going to sleep tonight, whether she would head back to Seattle with Jackson or try to find a hotel close to the bar they were in.

"Oh, okay. Well, call me when you get home." Matthew sounded slightly disappointed.

"Will do. Bye." She was just about to hang up when Matthew added, "Oh, and April?"

"Yeah…?" She trailed off hesitantly.

"Congratulations," he said warmly. She thanked him and hung up, trying not to cry. She hugged her phone to her chest as she willed the tears to go away. How was she here again? How had she managed to get herself in the position to Matthew over Jackson twice? She'd promised herself she would never lie to him again, and yet, here she was, doing so after kissing Jackson in a bar in Portland. She wished the knot in her stomach would leave, it was supposed to be gone, never to return after her boards. Granted, it was one full of guilt, not nervousness or panic. But what made her feel the worst was that she knew the guilt was only coming from the fact that she was still hurting Matthew, that she had to lie to him. Kissing Jackson? She couldn't regret that, no matter how hard she tried to make herself.

April looked across the bar at the plastic surgeon. He was worriedly talking on his phone, pacing back and forth and nodding. He looked over at her, but she averted her eyes. It took he a few seconds to realize he was walking towards her, both their jackets on his arm. He pocketed his cellphone, but the tense expression remained on his face. She looked up at him, trying to keep her face neutral.

"That was Alex," he said, handing her coat to her. "It's about Mer."

"Oh my god is she okay? Is it the baby?" Worry swirled in April's voice.

"She's had a placental abruption. They don't know how bad it is yet or how it's affected the baby. She's just gone into surgery. It's not going to be clean or pretty, though. There was no sign of bleeding, she just started to get severe cramping, so they don't know when the abruption happened." Jackson grimaced. "But Derek needs to stay at the hospital, and Cristina was well, but they want somebody to look after Zola. Take her home and stay with her until the morning, make sure everything stays normal for her is what Meredith wants, I guess. The daycare's closed and everybody else is stuck in surgery. Alex was calling from in between surgeries. He tried to get ahold of you a few minutes ago, but couldn't since you were on the phone, so he phoned me. He wanted to know if you or I could do it. I said yes. I knew you would want to go."

April only nodded. Even though her and Meredith weren't incredibly close, they were friends and had gotten closer in the past year. April had also spent a lot of time babysitting Zola for her. She wanted to be there to help. "Let's go, then." She sighed. Jackson followed April out the door to the bar, and back to Seattle.

xxx

_*****Well, I hope everybody enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for sticking around and being so patient. I would love reviews, if possible. I'll try to have the next chapter up for either Tuesday or Wednesday. *** **_


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